I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I have posted
on my blog. I promise it hasn’t been
intentional – I literally have not had the time. I have been so busy with work, school, church,
Christmas programs and such that I haven’t even had a spare second to
write. But I have been thinking about it
a lot! In fact, I have been doing a lot
of thinking, in general.
Lately, I have been thinking about all of the “stuff” in my
life. And I mean STUFF – as in “things”
– material possessions. As we came up on
Thanksgiving last month, I was pondering all of the things that I am thankful
for. I have MUCH to be thankful
for. I am blessed beyond measure –
almost to the point of feeling guilty about it.
I know that God doesn’t bless us to make us feel guilty, but as I was
thinking about all of the things I am thankful for, it just hit me that I
really have SO much MORE than I actually NEED or that I actually have room for
or even know what to do with! I was
going through my mental list of things that I am thankful for and I thought of
all of the obvious things: God, salvation, my husband, my kids, my church, my house,
my car, my job, family and friends. Then
my list just kept going and I started looking around my house at all of the
material possessions that I have been blessed with: furniture that has been given to us,
pictures, decorations for our home, dishes, appliances, clothes and
shoes, and more clothes and more shoes.
And I started thinking, “Wow! I
really have TOO much.” Too many “things”
– a lot of things that are not important, that I have wasted money on. Things that are just taking up space and
making my house look and feel cluttered.
Then I started thinking about people that have nothing or next to
nothing and I was so overcome by guilt.
This whole thought process was just the beginning of a working and
conviction in my heart.
As we moved past Thanksgiving and started preparing for
Christmas, this feeling of guilt didn’t leave me. I even started feeling disgusted with myself
because of how important “things” had become to me. I love shopping. I love clothes. I love shoes.
I love purses. I have loved all
of these things since I was a young teenager.
I started babysitting when I was 12 and I remember saving enough money
to buy myself a new pair of tennis shoes.
Growing up, I had always worn hand me downs, or the cheapest plain white
tennis shoes that you could find in stores.
I couldn’t wait until I had my own money to buy myself a really “cool”
pair of tennis shoes and finally, it happened!
I went to the mall with my best friend and her mom and we were both on
the hunt for new tennis shoes. We ended
up getting the exact same pair. (We used
to dress alike all the time because we were awesome like that.) They were beautiful, these shoes. They were my very first pair of Nike running
shoes. They were white with navy blue
and they had an awesome dark purple Nike swoosh on the side! I loved those shoes. I finally felt like I fit in – like I was
finally part of the cool kids club. And
that was it. I was hooked. So began my love of shopping.
I got my first “real” job working at a café, waiting tables
and cooking, when I was 15. When I
started making my own money, I could use that money for whatever I wanted. I always took out 10% to give to God and the
rest…well…let’s just say I shopped a lot.
I was thrilled to not have to wear hand me downs anymore. I could buy my own clothes now and actually
wear clothes that were in style! You
have no idea how liberating this was for me!
I was homeschooled, so I never went school shopping and I rarely got
outfits that were brand new, except for at Christmas time. Now…it was at my fingertips! I had the freedom to buy my own clothes! And boy did I…I went shopping almost
weekly. I had so many clothes that it
would be weeks before I would wear the same shirt again – and I LOVED it. I did this throughout my teenage years and
even after I got married. It was really
out of control. Even though I didn’t
spend a lot of money on each item, it really added up. I was (and still am) a bargain shopper. I rarely pay full price for anything. I shop clearance racks, thrift stores and
consignment shops – but I have still spent unbelievable amounts of money on
clothes, shoes and accessories over the years.
After Phil and I bought a house, our finances got
substantially tighter. I was forced to
scale back on shopping (which is a good thing), but I still loved it and wanted
to shop whenever I got the chance. Then
we had kids and boy they take a lot of money, don’t they? Holy cow!
Diapers, formula, baby food, wipes, clothes…my shopping trips for myself
became less and less! But even though I
wasn’t able to shop like I had in the past, I still WANTED to. I always wanted more clothes, more shoes,
more purses, more THINGS. And anytime I
had the chance or got some “extra” money, that’s what I did – I shopped. I have also been the kind of person that is
an “emotional shopper.” Whenever I was
sad, depressed, stressed, or mad - I shopped.
And it ALWAYS made me feel better.
But it was ALWAYS a temporary feeling.
Over the past couple of years, I have really cut back on shopping,
simply because I can’t afford it. But
the wanting to shop, the wanting of more things, has still been there, and even
now, I still have trouble saying no to things when I am shopping.
Now, back to the recent workings in my heart. After thinking about the abundance of things
that I have and being overcome with guilt and shame at the thought of my
selfishness and my want for temporal, material things, I started praying about
it. Every day it has been on my mind and
every day I have prayed about it. I have
been so convicted about the way I have been living and I started asking God
what I need to do about it. The first
thing He told me He wants me to do is to be more giving and generous to
others. This is something that I have
always wanted to do, but I have always held back because of money. Or, lack of money, I guess I should say. There are times when it feels like we are
barely getting by each month - times when it feels extremely tight,
financially. But as God has been
convicting me of this, I have realized two very important things: 1) Sometimes
(most times), you have to give in faith and trust that God will still provide
all of your needs. 2) You can give and
be generous without even spending a penny.
It’s not always about money.
Even after God told me this, I still felt like there was
something else He wanted me to do. So I
kept praying and listening. I had no
idea what else He wanted me to do and I can’t even describe how I was feeling,
but I knew that there was more. And I
was right. He finally told me what else
He wanted me to do - and I didn’t want to hear it. I was like, “Really, God? Are you sure about this? Cause you know this is gonna be SUPER hard
for me.” (Yeah, He already knew that,
btw.) So after arguing with God in my
head for a while, I knew I was going to lose the argument. I finally said, “Ok, God. If this is what you want me to do, I’ll do
it, but I can’t do it without You.” I
bet you’re dying to know what it is, aren’t you?
He told me He wants me to not shop for myself for a
year. A WHOLE year. No clothes, no purses, no jewelry, no
SHOES!!! Unless there is something that
I absolutely, truly and honestly NEED – I can’t buy it. So starting officially on January 1st,
2013, I am giving up shopping so that I can be more giving and generous to
others. I know it probably sounds crazy
– silly even – but I have to obey Him and I KNOW that this is something that
God wants me to do and not only that, it is something that I NEED to do. It is going to be crazy hard and difficult for
me, but at the same time, I have a feeling it is going to be so worth it.
With God’s help, 2013 is going to be a year of giving more,
a year of being more generous, and a year of no shopping for me. I’m anxious about the parts that will be hard
for me, but I’m excited about being obedient and seeing how the Lord is going
to use this to change me and to mold me into exactly who He wants me to be.
