"I'm glad you're still here."

It’s always heartbreaking to hear that someone has chosen to end their own life. Especially when you think about all of the people they left behind. People who love them. People who would have said or done anything to keep them here if they’d only known what was about to happen. But that’s the thing. They didn’t know. Just like I didn’t know.

*I’m sharing all of this with my husband’s permission.*

My husband has struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts his entire life. He remembers at age 5 having thoughts of just wanting to die and wondering what it would feel like to jump out of his second-story bedroom window. Shortly after we were married in 2002, he made the decision to talk to his doctor about his mental health and was prescribed medication. There have been times throughout the years when he has decided to try to take himself off of his meds (bad idea) but finally came to the conclusion that he needed to stay on them. It has taken years to find the right combination of medications and supplements that make him feel more balanced.

The meds helped tremendously, but he still had bad days. There were days that he struggled to get out of bed. There were days when I was afraid to go to work and leave him home alone. Days when I saw a sadness and emptiness in his eyes. Days when I felt helpless. Days when my stomach would be upset and I would start panicking if I couldn’t get ahold of him by phone, just to find out he was sleeping and didn’t hear his phone. Over time, those days happened less and less. It seemed like we had found a groove and figured out the best ways to combat the depression. We discovered that winter time is the hardest because of so much darkness and lack of sunshine. We discovered that exercise and eating healthy helps. We discovered that having a routine helps. We discovered that counseling helps. (Obviously Jesus helps, but let’s be real...things like this can’t always just be “prayed away” and then things are all better. And yes, I believe in the power of prayer, I believe in healing, i believe in miracles...but trust me, we had both begged God many times over to take this away and He didn’t. So we trusted Him and tackled things in a practical way - on top of prayer).

We finally came to a place where things were good. Still bad days here and there but nothing compared to how it used to be. I wasn’t worried anymore. Phil seemed better than ever and things seemed ok. The worst seemed to be behind us.

Then a couple of months ago, Phil and I were sitting at the table eating dinner at home. He told me that he wanted to share something with me. He then proceeded to tell me that a year and a half ago, he had made the decision to end his life. He had a plan. He had the means. He was away from home. And he was alone. (At that time, we were going through some hard things in life/marriage. I knew things were rough. I knew we were struggling. But we were working through things. We were communicating. We were seeking the Lord. But I had no idea that Phil was to that point. I didn’t know he was even having thoughts of ending his life.) I was shocked. And instantly sick. I pushed my food away and started crying. Phil looked me in the eyes and told me that he was telling me so that he could share with me that God had set him free in that moment. He told me that God spoke to him moments before he was going to end his life. That God told him this isn’t what he really wants. And ever since that moment, it hasn’t even been a thought. He told me that I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Ever.

I was obviously thrilled to hear that last part. But I had a lot of trouble shaking the first part. I could have lost my husband to suicide 1 1/2 years ago. And I never would have seen it coming.  Not then. I started having feelings of guilt because I was disgusted with myself.  How could I have not known? How could I have not seen it coming? But I didn’t know. And I didn’t see it.

I’m sharing all of this to say that whenever I hear that someone has chosen to end their life, I am sad and heartbroken. But mostly because it hits so close to home. I think about all of the friends and family members. I think about the guilt they must be feeling. All of the thoughts of wishing they had said or done something...wishing they had known. But they probably couldn’t have known. Just like I didn’t. I want to comfort them and tell them that it isn’t their fault. That there is nothing they could have done differently. That they couldn’t have loved them more. Because that’s what I would have wanted people to say to me.

I don’t know the answer. I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t know how to prevent suicide. Phil has told me that sometimes it doesn’t matter what people say when you already believe the lies that Satan has told you. That sometimes even knowing that people love you isn’t enough, and that when you’re in such a dark place, sometimes God is the only one Who can get your attention.

I’m thanking God every day that my husband is still here with me. With us. After reading the devastating news headlines this week, this morning I told Phil “I’m glad you’re still here. Thank you for choosing to stay.” And I’m going to keep telling him that.

We can’t possibly know what people are thinking and know what demons they are fighting every day. And maybe our words and actions won’t be what keeps someone from choosing to end their life...but maybe it will help in some small way. We have to keep trying. Be kind. Be love. Be present. Be a listening ear. People will still choose to give up. But we can choose to not give up on them.

#proudmom

                  The night before my sons went back to school last week, I sat on their bed and read them a back-to-school devotional.  I processed various questions with them, such as: “Why do we go to school?” and “What do you learn in school?” and so on.  They threw out various answers but I think my favorite answer was when Landon said “We learn how to do life.  How to be prepared for being an adult."  Which led into a good conversation about being kind and loving to everyone we come in contact with, even when it’s hard.

                  

                  We talked about the difficulties of being nice to people that are mean, or annoying, or obnoxious, or even just plain different from us.  We went over different ways to respond to people that are hard to get along with, as well as how to handle when other friends are making fun of others or saying mean things about them.  Landon stated that he would like to say, “Guys, we need to stop” in an attempt to shut down the conversation.  Carter decided that he would rather just walk away from the conversation.  I told them that either response is acceptable and to do whichever they feel most comfortable with.

                  
                   I also encouraged my boys to always tell Phil and me about their day.  The good things and the bad things, even if it seems silly or if someone simply hurts their feelings.  We talked about how even if talking about something doesn’t fix the problem and even if it isn’t something that needs to be addressed with a teacher or the principal, “It makes you feel better” as Landon stated.  The fact that Landon recognizes that is HUGE.  Which leads me to my whole reason for writing this.  I’m about to give you an earful about this awesome 11-year-old, so if you’re not interested, you can check out now.

                  

                 I think I’ve probably written a little about this before, or even talked to some of you that are reading this.  Landon used to have quite an anger problem.  He would go into fits of rage over what seemed like the tiniest things.  After much prayer, consistency, hard work, tears, and professional counseling, this kid has grown leaps and bounds (I think Phil and I have grown a little, too).  I might be a little biased, but he is honestly one of the most mature 11-year-olds I have ever met in my life.  He has learned how to cope with his anger and knows how to deescalate himself.  That’s not to say that he never loses his cool anymore.  He does (don’t we all?).  But it happens less and less and he calms down far more quickly than he used to.  Having said all that, the fact that he is able to recognize that talking about your feelings is healthier than keeping them bottled up, is a really big deal.  It used to be a nightmare getting him to talk to us, but after he started to see that talking helps, it’s much easier for him to share the things that are going on inside his head.

                  

                 Those of you who know Landon, know that he is very small for his age (no idea where he gets that from).  He’s always been the smallest kid in his age group, which means he gets picked on for his size.  A lot.  Which SUCKS.  I think the hardest part for me, is that I can so relate to what that feels like – except that I really can’t.  Because I’m a girl.  It’s a little more typical for girls to be small and dainty than it is for boys, right?  At times, I feel guilty about the whole thing because I know he gets it from me and I feel like it’s all my fault that he is made fun of for something that came from MY genes.  We’ve had multiple conversations about this whole topic and even though things have been hard enough in elementary school…now he’s in middle school and it’s even worse.  All of his friends are at least 1 or 2 heads taller than him.  They are all starting to go through puberty and having growth spurts.  They are in middle school sports.  It feels like a much bigger deal now.  And it’s hard.  Even after 1 day of school, it’s hard.

                  

                 Landon didn’t say a whole lot about his first day of school at first.  But at the dinner table, he started talking about it more.  He shared with us that there were only 2 people in his class that didn’t comment on his size that day.  He stated that one girl kept calling him “shorty” and another girl stated, “I’m going to start calling you tiny.”  He stated that at one point, several kids were hovering over him, patting him on the head and commenting on how little he is and he had to raise his arms up and tell people to stop touching him.  He also shared that he was given a locker on the top rather than the bottom, which is harder for him to reach and to do the combination for his lock.  I asked him if it was going to be ok or if we need to ask for a switch and he stated, “No, no, it’s fine.  I can reach it, it’s just a little harder.”  He HATES being catered to because of his size (don’t know where he gets that from either, feisty little thing).  Talking about all of these things was hard for him.  His voice cracked a little a couple of times and my heart just ached for him because I KNOW all too well what it feels like to be made fun of. 

                  

                 This all led to another really good conversation.  I told him that I could relate and that I know how much it sucks.  I shared with him that people used to call me shorty and shrimp all the time.  I told him about different comments people would make including, “Wow, you’re really short!” (Thanks for telling me, I had no idea).  “Are you a midget?” (Ouch).  I also distinctly remember someone leaning their arm on the top of my head and saying, “You make a really good arm rest” (So glad I could be of service to you).  I told Landon that even though I’m 35-years-old, people still make comments about my height and make jokes about it (for real, someone commented on it yesterday, no lie).  I shared with him that I know how frustrating it is, but that I’ve had to choose how I’m going to respond to those comments.  I can choose to ignore it, I can say something mean back, (“Wow, you’re a giant.  How tall are YOU?”  “Holy cow, you have a lot of freckles!” “Geez, you’re really fat.  How much do you WEIGH? “ – Ok, Ok.  I would NEVER say those things, but I have honestly THOUGHT them just to get people to think about what they are saying!), OR I can say something sarcastic, make a joke about it, and let it roll off my shoulders.  In my case, I have chosen to do the latter most of the time.  Sometimes I ignore them, but more often than not, ignoring the comments just eggs people on and makes it worse because they are looking for a reaction.  Saying mean things only hurts other people’s feelings and makes you look like an insecure jerk.  Making a joke about it seems to be the best way to handle it, so I gave Landon some ideas of things to say, which made him laugh.  The conversation ended with him laughing and saying, “I can’t wait to use that with someone!”

                  

                  The fact that I even had to have this conversation with my 11-year-old after his first day of school just plain sucks.  But such is life.  I explained to Landon that there are lots of different reasons for people to say those things to him.  Sometimes, people aren’t trying to be cruel.  They are just commenting on a fact about you.  Sometimes, people are jealous or insecure about something about themselves.  And sometimes, people are just plain mean.  Unfortunately, we can’t control what other people say, but we can control how we are going to react and respond. 

                  

                  In addition to dealing with these things at school, throw in playing sports and it’s a whole different ball game (pun intended).  Landon is playing soccer on the middle school soccer team (6^th-8^th grade) and the size difference between him and the other players is drastic to say the least.  Soccer has always been Landon’s sport.  He’s a natural at it.  And being small has its advantages – he’s lightning fast.  He scored 9 goals in his very first soccer game when he was in kindergarten.  Even though he’s a really good player, a lot of times, coaches automatically underestimate his abilities because of his size and they don’t even give him a chance.  Landon has had a different coach every year that he has played soccer, with an entirely different team, which means that he is constantly trying to prove himself.  Which is HARD.  This kid works hard to improve his game and he’s one of the most determined people I know. 

                  

                 This is the first year that Landon is able to play soccer for his school.  So here we are again…starting over.  New coach.  New team.  So far, things have been great.  His coach is incredible.  Most of the teammates have been welcoming (although, I think a couple of 8^th graders were a little frustrated/jealous at first when Landon stole the ball from them at practice.  Twice.).  However, last Friday when I picked Landon up from soccer practice, I could tell something was wrong.  At first I thought he was just upset because he didn’t get his jersey like he was supposed to so he could wear it for their scrimmage the next morning (Oh and P.S. The middle schoolers are wearing the high schoolers old uniforms so let’s just picture what Landon is going to look like in a high school sized uniform.  I can’t even.)  But then he told me that the coach had put him on defense at practice.  He said, “Defense just isn’t my thing.  I’m not good at it and it’s so boring.  If he only puts me on defense, I’m gonna quit.  I can’t do it.”  Oh boy.  Tough conversation ahead.  I took this time in the car to talk about the importance of being a part of a team and playing whatever position the coach puts you in and doing your best no matter what.  I also tried to prepare him for not getting a lot of play time this year.  I explained that the 7^th and 8^th graders are automatically going to get more play time because they have earned that right.  I told him that most of the 6^th graders probably won’t get to play a lot this year and he responded, “I know that’s not true.”  Ok.  Conversation over.  I knew he just needed some time to cool off.

                  

                  After we got home, he walked past Phil stating, “Mom already told me everything” and walked into his bedroom.  After a few minutes, Phil went to check on him and the rest of the evening he was fine.  He totally changed his attitude and nothing else was said about it.  The next morning on the way to his scrimmage, I was nervous.  I prayed over and over that things would go well and that Landon would have a good attitude no matter what.  We got there and I kid you not, the 8^th graders on the opposite team looked like Senior’s in high school compared to Landon.   It was like a real life David and Goliath situation.  Landon wasn’t a starter, which I expected…but two of the starting players on his team are 6^th graders.  Taller 6^th graders, of course.  Crap.  But then, 3 minutes into the game, coach put Landon in…and he wasn’t on defense!  Landon ended up getting a lot of play time through the entire game and he played awesome.  They pretty much got creamed, but guess what.  Landon scored his team’s only goal and it was INCREDIBLE!  I had a total typical Mom moment and legit almost cried.  Because it was about so much more than Landon scoring a goal – it was about him learning to be a team player and having a good attitude – but even more than that, it was an incredible moment of Landon being able to recognize that God sees him.  He went into the game with a good attitude and expecting not to get to play much – and God just blew him out of the water.  God can use even the tiniest people to do really big things (I know this was just a middle school soccer game, but it was a big deal to us).  I know that things will continue to be hard for Landon at times.  But I also know that God has big plans for his life and it’s going to be awesome to watch! 

                  

                   I’m sorry if it seems like the whole point of this blog post was to brag on my kid.  Even though that’s part of the point (no shame, here), my hope is that if you stuck with it and read this whole thing, that you will think about things that you say to others before you say them…and if you’re a parent with school-aged kids, it might not be a bad idea to have a conversation about how words can hurt, even when they seem harmless.  Even though I have gotten used to dealing with comments about my size, sometimes it’s still hard and sometimes it still hurts.  There are times when something will make me think of a comment made to me when I was a kid – words stick with us, no matter how old we get.  I know I’m very guilty of saying things to others that were/are hurtful.  I also know that my kids are guilty of the same.  But I also know that encouraging kind words and behaviors on a regular basis can make a big difference, and that God blesses when we choose to do and say the right things – even when it’s hard.

Why I'm Going to Counseling

Self-care.  Something that was drilled into my head in most of my counseling related college courses.  And yet, I still haven’t fully “gotten it” yet.  I talk about the importance of self-care nearly every day in my field as a substance abuse counselor, but I’ll admit, sometimes I’m guilty of not practicing what I preach (aren’t we all, though?). 

I remember one of my college professors telling me that the average burn out rate for a counselor is 2 years.  2 years!  I’m already past that point, which blows my mind in so many ways.  Since I have been working in this field, I have tried very hard to be purposed about self-care, but life has a way of completely taking over sometimes, and before I know it, I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water.

I’ve tried doing all of the typical self-care things such as getting enough sleep, being mindful about what I eat and drink, being physically active (so hard for me in the winter), having daily time with Jesus, spending one-on-one time with my husband, spending quality time with family, and doing things that I enjoy.  But sometimes, even those things aren’t enough. 

I’ve been working on a new self-care plan for myself, which includes a couple of additional ways to try and keep my sanity intact and keep myself mentally healthy.  As I’ve started implementing these two things though, I’ve been amazed at the guilt I have felt.  Sometimes this guilt is brought on by comments from people around me, and sometimes it’s simply self-inflicted. 

Let me tell you something about myself: Sometimes I think I can do it all.  Sometimes I think I SHOULD be able to do it all.  But you know what?  I can’t.  So one thing I’ve started working on in the past 6 months or so, is being better about saying “No.”  But not just saying no.  Saying no and not feeling guilty about it.  I have this bad habit of saying yes to too many things and I end up stretching myself so thin that I begin neglecting the most important things (and people) in my life, and I find myself well on my way to a nervous break-down.

For me, this means saying no to certain volunteer activities (including at church), saying no to friends or even extended family members, and saying no to cleaning my house right this second and allowing myself to rest instead.  None of those things that I’m saying no to are bad or unhealthy things.  Some of them are even things that I would enjoy.  But when saying yes to any of those things means that I’m neglecting my immediate family or neglecting taking care of myself…I’m going to be heading down a path that leads to unhealthiness for me.

When I started saying no to things more, I couldn’t believe the guilt I felt.  Worrying about what people would think.  Worried that people would say I’m not doing enough or helping enough.  But then, me and Jesus hashed things out.  Now, I don’t feel guilt over saying no.  I’m doing what is best for myself and my family.  And if others view that as being “selfish,” that’s their problem, not mine. 

The second thing I’ve started doing is going to a counselor on a regular basis.  And whoa.  Talk about taboo!  A counselor needs counseling??  I’ve tried to be open about the fact that I’m going to counseling and the following are some responses I’ve gotten:

-        “For yourself??”

-        “What’s wrong?”

-        “Did something happen?”

-        “Why?? Are you ok?”

Holy cow, friends.  Yes, for myself.  Nothing’s wrong.  Nothing “happened.”  Yes, I’m ok.  But I want to STAY ok.  You feel me?  I want to be a healthy individual spiritually, physically, emotionally, AND mentally.  If I’m not doing what I need to do to stay healthy, not only do I suffer, but my family and my clients suffer.  And right now, those are the things that have to be high on my priority list. 

Sometimes, we just need someone to talk to and process things with.  And sometimes, we need a professional to do that with.  Yes, I can talk to my husband, family, and close friends, but for me, sometimes, I need someone who is completely on the outside.  Someone who is unbiased and can just listen without having to offer advice or try to “fix it.”  Some things can’t be helped with advice or fixing.  Some things just need support and a listening ear. 

I would love for the stigma of mental health to be erased or at least minimized.  Is that too much to ask, friends?  Do me a favor and try to be open-minded.  Just because someone is seeing a counselor, it doesn’t mean they’re crazy.  It doesn’t mean they are mentally or emotionally unstable.  It doesn’t mean they are weak.  In fact, I think it means the opposite.  It takes strength and humility to be vulnerable and to show our weaknesses.  Please do what you can to avoid adding to the guilt, shame, and even embarrassment that has been tagged onto mental health care.  Instead of questioning why someone is going to counseling (or saying no to things), pray for them.  Say, “That’s awesome!  Good for you!”  Maybe that’s one small way we can all make a difference together. 

Life is hard, guys.  Marriage is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Relationships are hard.  Church is hard.  Having a job is hard.  Paying bills is hard.  Dealing with people is hard.  It’s ok to ask for help.  And it’s even more ok to not feel guilty about it.  

Beautifully Messy Life

I’m feeling all sorts of mixed emotions today. 

Yesterday afternoon a former client stopped in to tell me how much I helped her change her life.  She brought in her 6-month old son, told me she’s about to start a new job, and that she is enrolled in school and planning to begin classes in the Spring “to become a Substance Abuse Counselor like you” she said. 

Last night I received a text message saying that a friend of ours whom we have been praying for made a decision to follow Jesus. 

This morning I received a text from my boss saying that her husband passed away this morning after battling stage 4 lung cancer for over a year.

This morning someone shared with me that her oldest son relapsed on pain pills, her middle son got robbed last night, and her 14-year-old daughter has decided that she is a lesbian. 

My heart is heavy today. But at the same time, it’s filled with joy.  Joy at being able to help others rebuild their lives after addiction.  Joy at the thought of having another friend to spend eternity in heaven with.  Joy that my boss’s husband is face-to-face with Jesus today and is no longer in pain.  Joy that I am blessed to be able to listen to others as they share their heart with me.

I pray every morning on my way to work, but today, my prayers are mixed with an array of jumbled thoughts and feelings.  Feelings of sadness and mourning.  Feelings of happiness and excitement.  Feelings of desperation and vulnerability.  How is it possible to have so many different feelings at one time?  All of these thoughts and feelings have lead me to ponder on the messiness of life.  Because that’s what life is, isn’t it?  Messy.  Full of ups and downs, like riding on an unpredictable roller-coaster. 

This morning I stumbled across an excerpt from a book called The Grace of Catastrophe by Jan Winebrenner that touches on the messiness of life:

The Christian must still believe—theology must be lived out in the midst of whatever mess we might find ourselves: the international/global kind that makes the evening news, as well as the interpersonal ones that greet us when the kids climb out of bed in the morning, when the boss walks into the office with less-than-good news, when the car engine refuses to turn over, when the medical tests reveal something awful, when the parent/teacher meeting is negative. When life happens, we must still believe. We must hold on to the truth. And as we deliberately choose to hold on to the truth, which is holding on to God Himself, we discover His presence to be more loving and tender, more astoundingly personal than ever before, and catastrophes become for us a means of grace—a means of knowing and delighting in God.

Even though life is messy, it’s not always a bad thing – sometimes it’s sad messy – sometimes it’s angry messy – sometimes it’s happy messy – sometimes it’s stressful messy – sometimes it’s excited messy – sometimes it’s busy messy – and all of those things mixed together can make life beautifully messy when we hold on to the truth, when we know and delight in God, no matter what kind of mess we’re in the midst of.

People who are close to me know that I am not typically an emotional person and I rarely cry.  This is mostly due to the fact that I simply hate crying – especially in front of people.  Some people may view me as being cold-hearted and unfeeling, which isn’t true at all.  I feel very deeply most of the time, but my emotions and feelings are simply displayed differently than others.  But sometimes, when life feels heavy or overwhelming, I can’t hold it in.  So today, I’m letting myself cry, embracing the messiness of life, holding on to the truth, and delighting in God. 

Happy New Year!

Today is the last day of 2013 and after I had my devotions this morning I began to think about this past year.  I have experienced so many awesome things and God has blessed me over and over again.  As I was thinking about these things my heart felt like it could literally explode from being so full of joy, happiness, and thankfulness. 

This year God gave us a brand new furnace/air conditioner when our heat went out on one of the coldest weeks of the winter.

This year God provided the funds for me to be able to go on my first ever missions trip to Mexico with our church youth group. 

This year, by the grace of God, I completed my Associate’s degree in Business Management at Ohio Christian University.

This year God allowed Phil to be able to quit his second job so that we could have more time together as a family and more time devoted to serving our church.

This year one of my close friends whom I had been praying for, for many years, came to know Christ and was baptized.

This year I gave up shopping for myself (clothes, shoes, etc., which is a HUGE deal!), and God helped me realized that I have so much more than I could ever need.

This year God provided money for us to buy new winter coats for our two boys when the ones they had were too small and the zippers were broken.

This year God gave us a new bathroom when we had an on-going non-repairable leak in our bathtub for months (which unknowingly caused the wood under the tub to rot and caused water damage and black mold to build up directly around an electrical outlet that is in our boy’s room and could have caused a house fire).

This year God blessed me with new friendships.

This year God worked in my heart, convicted me, humbled me, changed me, and helped me to let go of things I had been holding on to.

This year I grew deeper in my faith and in my relationship with my Savior.

What an awesome year and what a Gracious and Mighty God!  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me and my family in 2014 – Happy New Year!

Christian Excellence

If someone would have asked me a few weeks ago to define Christian excellence, I probably would have stared blankly at them for a few seconds and then given them a short answer like this: “I think that Christian excellence is striving to be more like Christ.”  While that may be part of the definition, I have learned that it is really so much deeper than that.  I have also realized that if I truly am striving for Christian excellence in my own life, I am failing miserably and have a lot of work to do.

            The majority of my life has been spent aimlessly wandering through life.  Growing up, my parents made me believe that my main purpose in life was to become a Christian, followed by becoming a wife and mother.  They never encouraged me to go to college after graduating from high school because I didn’t need a college education to be a wife and mother.  So in my mind, college was not necessary, nor was it even an option for me.  By the age of 18, I was already engaged to be married.  At the time, my fiancé was not in a place where he would be able to support us both financially, so I came to the conclusion that in order to be able to get married, I would have to get a job.  I applied for a job as an optician without any experience or knowledge of the optical world and I was hired on the spot.

            After getting married at the age of 20, my husband and I both continued to work full-time and we were very content with our lives.  We both wanted to have kids, but not right away.  After a couple of years, we decided we were ready to have a family so we bought our first home.  After our first son was born I was on maternity leave for 8 weeks and it became very clear to me that God had not called me to be a stay at home mom.  I returned to work and a couple of years later, we had our second son. 

            After life sort of calmed down and we settled into our family of four, I began to feel like I was in a rut.  I became bored with my surroundings and began feeling depressed.  I remember one evening I was standing at my kitchen sink, washing dishes after dinner and I remember contemplating my life.  I thought about my wonderful husband and boys, our cute little house, our wonderful church, our jobs, and all of the things that God had blessed me with.  Yet I still felt unfulfilled, like there was supposed to be something more.  I literally remember thinking, “This is it, God?  This is my life?”

            After praying about it for a while God made it very clear to me what He wanted me to do.  It was the first time in my life that I could literally hear God speak to me and all He said was, “I want you to go to school.”  Even though I thought it sounded crazy, I couldn’t ignore what God was leading me to do.  I spoke to my husband about it and he was completely on board.  After that, everything just began to fall into place and it was amazing to see God open all the doors to make things possible.

            I have been able to continue working at my job as an optician while attending classes at the same time, which has been a huge blessing.  I don’t hate my job, nor do I dread going to work every morning, but at the same time, I don’t love it, nor am I passionate about it.  During the past several months I have begun liking my job less and less.  As I have been nearing the end of my education to acquire my associate’s degree, I have started feeling more excited and anxious about beginning my classes in substance abuse counseling to get my bachelor’s degree and my counseling license.  In turn, this has caused me to feel even less satisfied with my current job and has caused me to become antsy.

            When I started my first class of my bachelor’s program, Christian Excellence, I must admit I wasn’t looking forward to the class.  I didn’t understand what Christian Excellence had to do with my major and I was just ready to dive into my counseling classes.  After two and a half years of being in school, I was feeling burned out.  Burned out with school, my job, all of my responsibilities and just life in general.  My attitude towards others, especially my co-workers, had turned rotten.  In my mind, I was just ready to get out of this “dead-end” job and move on with my life as a counselor.  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

            God got my attention during the very first night of my Christian Excellence class.  That night, everything hit me at once.  God made it very clear to me how wrong my attitude was about everything.  He showed me how selfish I was being and showed me that I was focusing on all of the wrong things.  I had allowed my pride to get in the way of how I was living my life.  I had become so focused on reaching the goal that God was calling me to reach, that it became MY goal, instead of His.  I was trying to do things without His help, relying on my own strength and patting myself on the back for how far I had already come in achieving my goal.  That first night of class, my professor told us that our three main goals in life should be to, 1) Bring God Glory, 2) Win the World for Christ, and 3) Represent God.  It was in that moment that I realized just how off-base I had become and that somewhere along the way, I had lost my main focus: Christ.

            In our first week of homework we were assigned some reading material that our homework questions were based on.  In the first chapter of one my textbooks, “The Christian’s Guide to Effective Personal Management”, the author, Oosting, states that, “Too much attention to self is probably the major reason that many people are not at peace with God”…”Having a right relationship with God requires us to put God first in a meaningful way and not just by the words that we say” (2003, p. 7).  I realized that I was no longer putting God first, especially in school and at my job.  It was then that I began asking God to soften and humble my heart in all situations in my life, and it was then that my attitude began to change.

            My job had become a frustrating one.  I was clashing with one of my co-workers, I was frustrated with my boss, I was tired of being yelled at by angry patients, and I resented the fact that my hard work was never appreciated or recognized.  Another textbook that we were reading is called, “How to Get Along With Almost Anyone.”  In this book, the author talks about the importance of wisdom in getting along with others.  Wright (1989) says, “You need understanding, insight, discernment, patience, and a host of other qualities to read and relate to others.  God’s wisdom, resident in His Word and available to you through His Spirit, will equip you to get along with people” (p. 70).  This reminder really stood out to me because I realized that I had not been asking God for wisdom in how to deal with my frustrations in my job and my relationships with co-workers.  I had become a negative person in my job and I found myself criticizing others and complaining about everything that was frustrating me.  This became a turning point for me.  That night I made the decision to change my attitude and actions at work and I started the next morning.  Just in the past few weeks, it has been incredible to see how God softening my heart and changing my attitude has completely changed my work environment and my relationships with others.

            This entire Christian Excellence class has been an exhausting time of self-evaluation and conviction in my life.  Every class has been an emotional experience for me as God continues to open my eyes and my heart to things that I need to change about myself, and things I need to do to realign where my focus should be in every aspect of my life.  For as long as I can remember I have had an intense burden for hurting, troubled people, and I have had a burning passion in my heart to love them with God’s love and to accept them no matter who they are or what kind of life they are living.  This burden and passion are part of what has led me to wanting to get into a counseling field so that I can make a difference in someone’s life just by loving them with God’s love and listening to them.  But after taking this class, God has caused me to question my motives and evaluate where my heart is.  How can I love complete strangers and hope to counsel them and make a difference in their life, when I am not even doing that with the people I see every single day?

            In his book, “Christian Excellence”, author Johnston states, “If we desire excellence – the kind of excellence that will bring the most glory to our heavenly Father – we must deepen in our understanding of, and commitment to, authentic agape love, a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, and available to all”…”It is not enough to have minds that radiate with His excellence.  That same excellence must permeate our actions.  We must be constantly involved in loving deeds” (1996, pp. 49 & 52).  I have become so focused on what I want to do in the future, that I have been neglecting what I need to be doing in the present.

            If you were to ask me today what the definition of Christian excellence is, I would tell you that I believe that Christian excellence is finding my identity in Christ, and nothing else, and being better today than I was yesterday.  I don’t want to look back on my life and wish that I had loved people more, prayed with them more, and been present with them more.  This Christian Excellence class has been exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.  It has confirmed to me that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now and that there is no need to rush getting my bachelor’s degree and counseling license because He is still teaching me and molding me into exactly who He wants me to be.  The goals that I am working towards will be achieved all in God’s time and I can rest in the peace of knowing that God has everything under control.  In the meantime, I am going to press into Christ and let Him use me however He sees fit right now.  I don’t just want God to use me in the future – I want Him to use me in the now.  And I want it all to be for His glory.  “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31.