On the verge

I feel like I’m on the verge of something.  Something big.  I have never been so excited for a new year to begin, and it’s not because 2012 was a bad year – it had its ups and downs for me, but it wasn’t overall a bad year.  I feel like I have grown so much over the past several months.  God has been working on my heart more than He ever has before and while it has been a slow and painful process, it has been the best time of my life so far.  I feel like God is just stripping me of so much of the ugly in my life – like He is just trying to empty me of all of the things I’ve been holding inside for so long and also emptying me of so many things that are not pleasing to Him.  And when I say, “stripping”, I DO mean “stripping” – to the point of making me feel completely raw and vulnerable and…open. 

Last Sunday, we had a guest speaker, Aaron Taylor at our church and he was talking about what it means to be a Christ follower.   So much of what he said were things that I have heard all my life, but this time I really listened.  It’s kind of like when you have read the same scripture verse a hundred times and it doesn’t really mean much to you and then all of a sudden, one day, you read that exact verse for the hundred and first time and it’s like a light bulb comes on and it speaks to your heart like it never has before.  That’s what this message was like for me.  I have heard over and over what it means to follow Christ.  I have heard over and over the stories of Jesus’ disciples and how they just left everything to follow Christ.   But I just never got it.  Until now.  I had never taken being a follower of Christ to a personal level.  Until now.  As this guest speaker continued to talk, he said something that really struck a chord with me.  I can’t quote him word for word but he said that we should be following Christ so closely that His desires become our desires, and His wants our wants.  When he said that, I literally thought in my head, “Yes!  That’s what I have been feeling!  That’s what is happening in my life right now!”  I feel like the past several months God has been trying to rid me of myself – rid me of my wants and my own selfish desires (and God knows I’ve had a LOT of them).  But it’s been such a long, slow process, that I haven’t really realized or understood exactly what is happening.  Until now.

God has been working on me so much, convicting me of sin in my life, and making me so aware of my selfishness, that I have been so wrapped up in dealing with my “issues” that I haven’t even noticed or realized until now how much closer it has brought me to Him and how much He is changing my heart.  His desires are becoming my desires, and His wants my wants.  And that is an incredible feeling that I can’t even describe.

So this is where I am.  Raw.  Vulnerable.  Open.  I feel like God is preparing me for something big this year.  I don’t know what it is but I’m ready and I’m excited!

I’ll keep you posted. ;)