The night before my sons went back to school last week, I sat on their bed and read them a back-to-school devotional. I processed various questions with them, such as: “Why do we go to school?” and “What do you learn in school?” and so on. They threw out various answers but I think my favorite answer was when Landon said “We learn how to do life. How to be prepared for being an adult." Which led into a good conversation about being kind and loving to everyone we come in contact with, even when it’s hard.
We talked about the difficulties of being nice to people that are mean, or annoying, or obnoxious, or even just plain different from us. We went over different ways to respond to people that are hard to get along with, as well as how to handle when other friends are making fun of others or saying mean things about them. Landon stated that he would like to say, “Guys, we need to stop” in an attempt to shut down the conversation. Carter decided that he would rather just walk away from the conversation. I told them that either response is acceptable and to do whichever they feel most comfortable with.
I also encouraged my boys to always tell Phil and me about their day. The good things and the bad things, even if it seems silly or if someone simply hurts their feelings. We talked about how even if talking about something doesn’t fix the problem and even if it isn’t something that needs to be addressed with a teacher or the principal, “It makes you feel better” as Landon stated. The fact that Landon recognizes that is HUGE. Which leads me to my whole reason for writing this. I’m about to give you an earful about this awesome 11-year-old, so if you’re not interested, you can check out now.
I think I’ve probably written a little about this before, or even talked to some of you that are reading this. Landon used to have quite an anger problem. He would go into fits of rage over what seemed like the tiniest things. After much prayer, consistency, hard work, tears, and professional counseling, this kid has grown leaps and bounds (I think Phil and I have grown a little, too). I might be a little biased, but he is honestly one of the most mature 11-year-olds I have ever met in my life. He has learned how to cope with his anger and knows how to deescalate himself. That’s not to say that he never loses his cool anymore. He does (don’t we all?). But it happens less and less and he calms down far more quickly than he used to. Having said all that, the fact that he is able to recognize that talking about your feelings is healthier than keeping them bottled up, is a really big deal. It used to be a nightmare getting him to talk to us, but after he started to see that talking helps, it’s much easier for him to share the things that are going on inside his head.
Those of you who know Landon, know that he is very small for his age (no idea where he gets that from). He’s always been the smallest kid in his age group, which means he gets picked on for his size. A lot. Which SUCKS. I think the hardest part for me, is that I can so relate to what that feels like – except that I really can’t. Because I’m a girl. It’s a little more typical for girls to be small and dainty than it is for boys, right? At times, I feel guilty about the whole thing because I know he gets it from me and I feel like it’s all my fault that he is made fun of for something that came from MY genes. We’ve had multiple conversations about this whole topic and even though things have been hard enough in elementary school…now he’s in middle school and it’s even worse. All of his friends are at least 1 or 2 heads taller than him. They are all starting to go through puberty and having growth spurts. They are in middle school sports. It feels like a much bigger deal now. And it’s hard. Even after 1 day of school, it’s hard.
Landon didn’t say a whole lot about his first day of school at first. But at the dinner table, he started talking about it more. He shared with us that there were only 2 people in his class that didn’t comment on his size that day. He stated that one girl kept calling him “shorty” and another girl stated, “I’m going to start calling you tiny.” He stated that at one point, several kids were hovering over him, patting him on the head and commenting on how little he is and he had to raise his arms up and tell people to stop touching him. He also shared that he was given a locker on the top rather than the bottom, which is harder for him to reach and to do the combination for his lock. I asked him if it was going to be ok or if we need to ask for a switch and he stated, “No, no, it’s fine. I can reach it, it’s just a little harder.” He HATES being catered to because of his size (don’t know where he gets that from either, feisty little thing). Talking about all of these things was hard for him. His voice cracked a little a couple of times and my heart just ached for him because I KNOW all too well what it feels like to be made fun of.
This all led to another really good conversation. I told him that I could relate and that I know how much it sucks. I shared with him that people used to call me shorty and shrimp all the time. I told him about different comments people would make including, “Wow, you’re really short!” (Thanks for telling me, I had no idea). “Are you a midget?” (Ouch). I also distinctly remember someone leaning their arm on the top of my head and saying, “You make a really good arm rest” (So glad I could be of service to you). I told Landon that even though I’m 35-years-old, people still make comments about my height and make jokes about it (for real, someone commented on it yesterday, no lie). I shared with him that I know how frustrating it is, but that I’ve had to choose how I’m going to respond to those comments. I can choose to ignore it, I can say something mean back, (“Wow, you’re a giant. How tall are YOU?” “Holy cow, you have a lot of freckles!” “Geez, you’re really fat. How much do you WEIGH? “ – Ok, Ok. I would NEVER say those things, but I have honestly THOUGHT them just to get people to think about what they are saying!), OR I can say something sarcastic, make a joke about it, and let it roll off my shoulders. In my case, I have chosen to do the latter most of the time. Sometimes I ignore them, but more often than not, ignoring the comments just eggs people on and makes it worse because they are looking for a reaction. Saying mean things only hurts other people’s feelings and makes you look like an insecure jerk. Making a joke about it seems to be the best way to handle it, so I gave Landon some ideas of things to say, which made him laugh. The conversation ended with him laughing and saying, “I can’t wait to use that with someone!”
The fact that I even had to have this conversation with my 11-year-old after his first day of school just plain sucks. But such is life. I explained to Landon that there are lots of different reasons for people to say those things to him. Sometimes, people aren’t trying to be cruel. They are just commenting on a fact about you. Sometimes, people are jealous or insecure about something about themselves. And sometimes, people are just plain mean. Unfortunately, we can’t control what other people say, but we can control how we are going to react and respond.
In addition to dealing with these things at school, throw in playing sports and it’s a whole different ball game (pun intended). Landon is playing soccer on the middle school soccer team (6th-8th grade) and the size difference between him and the other players is drastic to say the least. Soccer has always been Landon’s sport. He’s a natural at it. And being small has its advantages – he’s lightning fast. He scored 9 goals in his very first soccer game when he was in kindergarten. Even though he’s a really good player, a lot of times, coaches automatically underestimate his abilities because of his size and they don’t even give him a chance. Landon has had a different coach every year that he has played soccer, with an entirely different team, which means that he is constantly trying to prove himself. Which is HARD. This kid works hard to improve his game and he’s one of the most determined people I know.
This is the first year that Landon is able to play soccer for his school. So here we are again…starting over. New coach. New team. So far, things have been great. His coach is incredible. Most of the teammates have been welcoming (although, I think a couple of 8th graders were a little frustrated/jealous at first when Landon stole the ball from them at practice. Twice.). However, last Friday when I picked Landon up from soccer practice, I could tell something was wrong. At first I thought he was just upset because he didn’t get his jersey like he was supposed to so he could wear it for their scrimmage the next morning (Oh and P.S. The middle schoolers are wearing the high schoolers old uniforms so let’s just picture what Landon is going to look like in a high school sized uniform. I can’t even.) But then he told me that the coach had put him on defense at practice. He said, “Defense just isn’t my thing. I’m not good at it and it’s so boring. If he only puts me on defense, I’m gonna quit. I can’t do it.” Oh boy. Tough conversation ahead. I took this time in the car to talk about the importance of being a part of a team and playing whatever position the coach puts you in and doing your best no matter what. I also tried to prepare him for not getting a lot of play time this year. I explained that the 7th and 8th graders are automatically going to get more play time because they have earned that right. I told him that most of the 6th graders probably won’t get to play a lot this year and he responded, “I know that’s not true.” Ok. Conversation over. I knew he just needed some time to cool off.
After we got home, he walked past Phil stating, “Mom already told me everything” and walked into his bedroom. After a few minutes, Phil went to check on him and the rest of the evening he was fine. He totally changed his attitude and nothing else was said about it. The next morning on the way to his scrimmage, I was nervous. I prayed over and over that things would go well and that Landon would have a good attitude no matter what. We got there and I kid you not, the 8th graders on the opposite team looked like Senior’s in high school compared to Landon. It was like a real life David and Goliath situation. Landon wasn’t a starter, which I expected…but two of the starting players on his team are 6th graders. Taller 6th graders, of course. Crap. But then, 3 minutes into the game, coach put Landon in…and he wasn’t on defense! Landon ended up getting a lot of play time through the entire game and he played awesome. They pretty much got creamed, but guess what. Landon scored his team’s only goal and it was INCREDIBLE! I had a total typical Mom moment and legit almost cried. Because it was about so much more than Landon scoring a goal – it was about him learning to be a team player and having a good attitude – but even more than that, it was an incredible moment of Landon being able to recognize that God sees him. He went into the game with a good attitude and expecting not to get to play much – and God just blew him out of the water. God can use even the tiniest people to do really big things (I know this was just a middle school soccer game, but it was a big deal to us). I know that things will continue to be hard for Landon at times. But I also know that God has big plans for his life and it’s going to be awesome to watch!
I’m sorry if it seems like the whole point of this blog post was to brag on my kid. Even though that’s part of the point (no shame, here), my hope is that if you stuck with it and read this whole thing, that you will think about things that you say to others before you say them…and if you’re a parent with school-aged kids, it might not be a bad idea to have a conversation about how words can hurt, even when they seem harmless. Even though I have gotten used to dealing with comments about my size, sometimes it’s still hard and sometimes it still hurts. There are times when something will make me think of a comment made to me when I was a kid – words stick with us, no matter how old we get. I know I’m very guilty of saying things to others that were/are hurtful. I also know that my kids are guilty of the same. But I also know that encouraging kind words and behaviors on a regular basis can make a big difference, and that God blesses when we choose to do and say the right things – even when it’s hard.
