It's worth it

I’m sitting on my couch with my two little boys right now while they are watching a movie before bedtime.  Things are quiet and peaceful right now and I am feeling blessed and thankful for this time with them.

You’d never guess that a couple of hours ago I was in the middle of a knock-down drag-out argument with my defiant 7 year old.  This little man has been challenging me so much lately.  He is 7 going on 17.  He gets upset when he doesn’t get his way.  (I do, too, but I’ve learned that I can’t throw a fit about it - but he is still in that learning stage - obviously).  Sometimes we go round and round about things and this kid does not back down easily.  He is stubborn and defiant.  I have to explain to him why he isn’t allowed to behave this way and that sometimes we cannot always have what we want.   Then I explain to him that he will be punished for the way he has acted.  Which only makes him more upset and then his punishment gets larger.  It is exhausting.  Sometimes I wish I could just give in and give him what he wants because it would just be easier and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  But I know I can’t do that.  So I stand my ground with him.  And then I go lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I’m kidding.  I haven’t done that in a while.

Tonight’s argument was about dinner.  Landon wanted McDonald’s and I told him no.  He threw a fit, I punished him, and then gave him two choices.  He could stay in his room and have a bad attitude, not eat dinner and go to bed, or he could change his attitude, come out of his room, eat dinner, and enjoy the rest of his evening before bed.  I left him alone to think about it and after a few minutes, he made the right decision.  I made him dinner and he has been the most pleasant little guy since.

While he and Carter were eating their dinner, I sat in the kitchen and spent some time with God.  I knew I needed to at that moment because I needed to vent to Him before I started to take things out on my boys.  I felt like I was falling apart.  I’m tired.  I’m emotional.  I’m discouraged.  I feel drained.  I’ve had a really long, hard, stressful few days at work so far this week and I am just DONE.  I came home from being stressed at work to having this confrontation with Landon and I just wanted to give up.

While I was in my kitchen, I was reading my Bible through tears.  I was reading Jeremiah 31 and these verses just jumped out at me: “3b I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.  4a I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt…   16 This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord.”  It was like God was speaking right to my heart.  Sometimes I feel like all of my hard work is for nothing – as a Mom, at my job, with school – but God reminded me that my “work will be rewarded.”  I just need to hang in there.

Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had.  It pushes me and challenges me every day in ways that I have never been pushed and challenged before.  It is exhausting and hard work at times.  But it’s worth it.  You know how I know that?  Because when I tucked Landon into bed and prayed with him just now, I talked about the argument we had because I wanted to make sure that he knew that I love him and that when I say, “no” to things, I’m not trying to be mean.  And he said, “I know. Hey, Mom?  I’m sorry.  I love you.”  And then he gave me the biggest, tightest, hug ever.  And that’s how I know it’s worth it.

In a "funk"

I think I’ve been in a bad mood for over a week.  I don’t really know why – I mean, I could give you a list of things that have contributed to it, but I couldn’t really tell you where it’s stemming from exactly. 

I haven’t been sleeping well, nor have I been getting enough sleep.  I’ve been having more headaches than I normally do.  I’ve had a bad cold.  I’ve had PMS (am I allowed to say that?).  All of these things thrown together are just a recipe for disaster.  I’ve been irritable, grumpy, and just plain not enjoyable to be around.  I’ve been short with my husband and impatient with my boys.  I just haven’t been myself at all.

The same thing has been going on with Phil.  He hasn’t been sleeping well (part of that is my fault because I’ve been talking in my sleep and jumping out of bed and saying crazy things – which I NEVER do).  He’s been really down and depressed lately.  He’s been emotional and irritable.  He’s also been impatient with our boys.

Now add the two of us together and – boom!  We have been driving each other crazy, getting on each other’s nerves, being short with each other.  And each of us has been thinking that the other is the problem.  Isn’t that how it usually is?

Phil and I have talked about things a couple of times and have both admitted that we don’t know where this is coming from and what is causing it.  We both just feel “off” – but can’t explain why.  He even mentioned to me that some of the staff that he works with at LCC have been feeling the same way.

This morning as I was washing my dishes, I was spending some time in prayer (and being so thankful for silence while my boys are at school – thank you, Jesus).  I was asking God to help me change my attitude and to help me snap out of this “funk” that I’ve been in.  Then I prayed for my husband.  Then I began to pray for my pastor and each of the other pastors, elders and staff members at my church.  After praying for a while, God reminded me of what a wonderful marriage I have and also of what a wonderful church family and church leaders we have been blessed with. 

I began to think about so many things my husband and I have been able to overcome in our 10 years of marriage.  We have dealt with some pretty tough junk since we’ve been married.  We have hurt each other, we have done and said some really stupid things, but by the grace of God, we have been able to fight and work through those things together.  Our marriage now, is the best and strongest it has ever been – and I am so thankful.  I am so thankful that we made the decision before we got married that divorce would never be an option for us, no matter how hard things get.  We are in it for the long haul – we are a team, whether we always “feel” like working together or not.  I know that Phil always has my back and he knows that I always have his – no matter what.

Then I began thinking about my church, my pastor, and the rest of the LCC staff.  I was thinking about some of the things that our church has been able to overcome.  Our church went through a split not too long ago and even though Phil and I were not very involved in the church yet, I know that was a very tough time for our church.  There were a lot of hurt feelings and I am sure that some people weren’t sure if we would fully recover from that.  But I am amazed at the physical and spiritual growth our church has experienced!  The Holy Spirit has been moving like crazy within our church and we are literally busting at the seams!  What an awesome testimony of God’s grace and power!

After thinking about the growth in my marriage and in my church, God reminded me that satan HATES that.  He doesn’t want me to have a healthy marriage and he doesn’t want any of us to have a healthy church.  John 10:10 immediately popped into my head: “The thief (satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy…”  This little reminder just brought everything full circle for me.  This “funk” that I have been in made sense to me now.  I truly believe that there is no reason for the way I have been feeling and acting, other than the fact that it is from satan.  He wants me to fight and argue with my husband – he doesn't want us to get along – and he most certainly wants our marriage to fail.  And the same goes for our church – satan doesn’t like that the Holy Spirit has been working in our church and changing lives.  He wants our church to fail and fall apart.  He wants us to be in a “funk” – he wants us to feel oppressed, he wants us to be moody, irritable, and grumpy so that we start snapping at each other and stop getting along.  He wants to kill and destroy any unity and spiritual growth in our lives.

Thinking about this got me all fired up.  I started to get angry and frustrated and it reminded me how vital it is that we always be on our guard.  We have to be so faithful about resisting the devil in our lives – which made me think of another verse:  “Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  James 4:7  We can’t forget that satan is always out to get us and that we must resist him and rebuke him in the name of Jesus, continually.  I will be honest with you – I forget – a lot.  “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  1 Peter 5:8  He is constantly prowling around us and loves to attack us - especially when he sees the Holy Spirit working in our lives. 

We need to pray for each other.  We need to pray for our spouse.  We need to pray for our pastor.  We need to pray for the leaders in our church.  They need to know that we have their backs and that we are committed to being faithful prayer warriors on their behalf.  There is so much power in prayer – don’t underestimate it.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”                                                                                  -Ephesians 6:18

"Our prayer must not be self-centered. It must arise not only because we feel our own need as a burden we must lay upon God, but also because we are so bound up in love for our fellow men that we feel their need as acutely as our own. To make intercession for men is the most powerful and practical way in which we can express our love for them."                                                                                                        -John Calvin