I’m feeling
all sorts of mixed emotions today.
Yesterday
afternoon a former client stopped in to tell me how much I helped her change
her life. She brought in her 6-month old
son, told me she’s about to start a new job, and that she is enrolled in school
and planning to begin classes in the Spring “to become a Substance Abuse
Counselor like you” she said.
Last night I
received a text message saying that a friend of ours whom we have been praying
for made a decision to follow Jesus.
This morning
I received a text from my boss saying that her husband passed away this morning
after battling stage 4 lung cancer for over a year.
This morning someone shared with me
that her oldest son relapsed on pain pills, her middle son got robbed last
night, and her 14-year-old daughter has decided that she is a lesbian.
My heart is
heavy today. But at the same time, it’s filled with joy. Joy at being able to help others rebuild
their lives after addiction. Joy at the
thought of having another friend to spend eternity in heaven with. Joy that my boss’s husband is face-to-face
with Jesus today and is no longer in pain.
Joy that I am blessed to be able to listen to others as they share their heart with me.
I pray every
morning on my way to work, but today, my prayers are mixed with an array of
jumbled thoughts and feelings. Feelings
of sadness and mourning. Feelings of
happiness and excitement. Feelings of
desperation and vulnerability. How is it
possible to have so many different feelings at one time? All of these thoughts and feelings have lead
me to ponder on the messiness of life. Because that’s what life is, isn’t it? Messy.
Full of ups and downs, like riding on an unpredictable roller-coaster.
This morning
I stumbled across an excerpt from a book called The Grace of Catastrophe by Jan Winebrenner that touches on the
messiness of life:
The Christian must still
believe—theology must be lived out in the midst of whatever mess we might find
ourselves: the international/global kind that makes the evening news, as well
as the interpersonal ones that greet us when the kids climb out of bed in the
morning, when the boss walks into the office with less-than-good news, when the
car engine refuses to turn over, when the medical tests reveal something awful,
when the parent/teacher meeting is negative. When life happens, we must still
believe. We must hold on to the truth. And as we deliberately choose to hold on
to the truth, which is holding on to God Himself, we discover His presence to
be more loving and tender, more astoundingly personal than ever before, and
catastrophes become for us a means of grace—a means of knowing and delighting
in God.
Even though
life is messy, it’s not always a bad thing – sometimes it’s sad messy –
sometimes it’s angry messy – sometimes it’s happy messy – sometimes it’s
stressful messy – sometimes it’s excited messy – sometimes it’s busy messy –
and all of those things mixed together can make life beautifully messy when we
hold on to the truth, when we know and delight in God, no matter what kind of
mess we’re in the midst of.
People who
are close to me know that I am not typically an emotional person and I rarely
cry. This is mostly due to the fact that
I simply hate crying – especially in front of people. Some people may view me as being cold-hearted
and unfeeling, which isn’t true at all.
I feel very deeply most of the time, but my emotions and feelings are
simply displayed differently than others.
But sometimes, when life feels heavy or overwhelming, I can’t hold it
in. So today, I’m letting myself cry,
embracing the messiness of life, holding on to the truth, and delighting in
God.
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