Relationships

I have a feeling that this blog post is going to be rather lengthy, so please forgive me.  I have much to say…

I have been trying to write this blog post for days and have been unsuccessful.  I have come to realize that the reason I have been having so much trouble writing it is because satan has been attacking me like crazy because he doesn’t want me to write it.  Well satan, I have a word for you.  I’m writing this blog post because God laid it on my heart to be more open and real with others – and you are not going to stop me.  satan, I am right now, right this second, for everyone to see, rebuking you in the name of Jesus Christ and I am going to write this whether you like it or not.  You do not own me.  You do not have any part of me.  I will not believe the lies that you have been whispering in my ear.  I am HIS and I will be obedient to HIM.  So take that!

Now that that’s out of the way…

Leading up to this post, I have been struggling with the issue of relationships/friendships.  I was actually sharing this with a close friend one week ago over coffee.  I told her some things that I was struggling with and I was very honest with her about the fact that I struggle with letting people be my friend.  I tell myself that I am strong enough to handle my problems on my own and that I don’t want to burden others with my struggles.  As I was saying these words to my friend, she cut me off and said, “But Natalie, you’ll never survive!”  And you know what?  She is absolutely right.  I will never survive on my own.

I’m going to share with you a few lies that satan has led me to believe for the past several years:

Lie #1:  PEOPLE WILL NOT LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

I’m different.  Not weird, different.  (Ok, maybe a little)  I’m just not a typical woman.  Or what I consider to be a typical woman.  I’m not crafty, I suck at baking (nothing ever turns out quite right), I am a terrible homemaker, and I have not once in my life ever been on Pinterest.  I know.  Insert gasp here.  I am not a stay at home mom and at this time in my life, I have no desire to be a stay at home mom.  I have found that I NEED to work – I NEED to get out of my house.  I love the time that I do have with my boys, but I have found that I cannot be the best mom that I can be by staying home with them every day.  My husband can testify to this!  And I am so thankful to have a husband that does not think less of me for the decision I have made to keep working even after we had kids.  He respects the fact that I need to have a job outside of being a wife and mom – and he is totally ok with it.

So since I’ve told you what I’m NOT like, you are probably wondering what I AM like. 

I love movies (all kinds) and I quote them all the time (yes, even the stupid guy movies).  I love music and am constantly listening to it.  I love shopping – clothes and shoes in particular.  I love cooking - especially without a recipe.  I enjoy just throwing things together and seeing what happens (baking is way too precise for me).  I love traveling and I dream about it all the time.  I love being adventurous and trying new things – if I’ve never done it, I want to try it at least once – and it’s probably on my bucket list.  I like shooting guns – don’t ask me why, I just do.  I love just hanging out, talking and playing cards with my family.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I love going out to dinner – give me a steak or a slab of ribs (the messier, the better) and I’m good.  If I was totally and completely being myself all the time, I would most likely almost always be wearing jeans with holes in them with rocker t-shirts, and Chuck Taylor’s. While I do like some girly things, I do not consider myself to be a girly person at all.  I LOVE having boys and I do not have a problem being the only girl in my house!  That’s pretty much me in a nutshell! 

Lie #2:  PEOPLE WILL ONLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.

I know this sounds crazy but if you had a husband like mine, you would understand.  Phil is good natured, hilarious and extremely fun to be around.  I mean, seriously, who DOESN’T like him?  I am not as outgoing as my husband so anytime we are around others, I am usually just sitting there being quiet while he is talking non-stop and making everyone laugh.  Please do not misunderstand this as something that I’m bitter about – I LOVE my husband and I LOVE his personality.  I am usually perfectly fine with not talking.  I am no Chatty Cathy, and it usually takes me a little while to warm up to people I don’t know very well.  And Phil…well…not so much. :) This particular lie from satan is just one that feeds into my insecurities about myself and has nothing to do with Phil.

Lie #3:  YOU ARE A BURDEN TO OTHERS.

This particular lie is part of what keeps me from opening up to people.  I do not want to burden others with my own problems or struggles because they have their own.  I just don’t feel right adding more to their plate.  Over the past several years, I have needed to be strong for others.  I have been someone that people can lean on –their “rock” so to speak.  And while I have been so busy being there for everyone else – I haven’t let anyone be there for ME.  I have slowly been wearing down, feeling weaker, and sort of falling apart inside.  I might look fine on the outside, but on the inside, a lot of the time, I’m hurting or feeling like screaming.  And I know it’s because I’ve been holding so much inside for SO long, because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.  And not only that, I want people to think that I “have it all together”, even though I SO don’t.  I want to “appear” strong.  So when someone asks me how I am I say, “I’m good” or “I’m fine” – instead of what I’m really thinking or feeling. 

For example, I will share with you what a typical Sunday is like for me.  Sunday mornings are usually chaos.  Even if I try to get clothes for church laid out the night before or do other things to prepare – it doesn’t matter.  satan doesn’t want me to make it to church, so he will do anything to try to make me stay home.  For some reason, it’s like this huge surprise to my boys that we are going to church every Sunday.  It’s also a huge surprise to them that they have to get up and get dressed.  (I hope you are sensing my sarcasm here)  After listening to the whining and crying about NOT wanting to get dressed or having to stay for two services at church – I have just about had all I can take for one day.  So after I finally make it to church and a friend says, “Hi, how are you?”  I smile and say, “I’m fine” instead of saying, “Well, this morning has been insane, my boys fought in the car the entire way here, I threatened to pull over and spank them both, and I also had thoughts of putting them up for sale on Ebay when I get home, but yeah, I’m good!”  (Ok, the Ebay part is a joke, I promise.)  Am I the only one that has days like that??  Anyway, this is just to let you know that I am very good at putting on a front and acting like I’m fine even when I’m not.

Lie #4:  YOU DON’T NEED CLOSE FRIENDS – THEY WILL ONLY HURT YOU.

I’m very guarded in my relationships, and I think that is partly because I’ve been hurt by close friends in the past.  Whether it was something that was said to me (or behind my back), or something that was done to me, those things have made a lasting impact on my life – and not in a good way.  So many of the hurts that I have held onto are not even important now – but they were important to me back then.  Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have been able to forgive and let go of a lot of those hurts – but there are some that I am still working on.

I mentioned earlier that I have been struggling with the issue of relationships in my life just in the past few weeks and that I’ve been struggling for days to write this post.  Last night, we had a special worship service at our church.  At the beginning of the service our pastor said that he had asked all of the pastors in our church to be listening to the Holy Spirit throughout the service for a special word from Him and to share at the end of the service.  At the end of the service, each pastor got up and shared what they had heard from the Holy Spirit.  Some words were for our church in general, and some were for specific people.  It was very moving to hear how the Holy Spirit was moving just in the short amount of time that we were there.  Our lead pastor shared last.  He shared a couple of words that he had and then he said, “And this next word is for Natalie.”  He looked at me and I almost started crying before he even said anything.  The word that the Holy Spirit had given to him for me was this:  “There were things in your life that were inflicted on you that satan meant to be burrs that bring constant hurt for your entire life but as you turn them over to God, he is turning them into flowers which will bring Him glory and you joy.”  Wow.  I was overcome with emotion and I’m still crying as I’m typing this.  I am still amazed at the way God works.  I shouldn’t be by now, but I still am.  He knew exactly what I had been struggling with the past few weeks and He knew exactly what I needed to hear.  It’s exactly like my pastor said – these past hurts that have been inflicted on me are like burrs – it’s like I keep trying to pick them off one by one and they keep sticking to me.  But I am slowly but surely learning to turn each one over to God – so that He can turn them into something beautiful. 

I fully recognize that all of the lies I have listed are from satan and no one else.  And for a long time I have believed them.  But I’m done believing them.  They are not true – not one of them.  satan has had me exactly where he wants me – alone.  And alone is a very dangerous place to be.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I don’t want to be guarded in my relationships anymore.  I want to face my “friendship fears” and put it all out there.  I want to be real.  I want to be open.  I want to be honest.  I want to have deep, meaningful relationships with others that will bring glory to God and joy to me.  I am a work in progress – but I’m ready to let go and let God.

It's not about me - it's all about Him.

I grew up in a small, very conservative, very traditional Southern Baptist Church where my dad was pastor.  It was the kind of church where you always wore your “Sunday best” – definitely nobody wearing jeans on a Sunday morning.  We had a piano and an organ – no guitars and definitely no drums.  I’m not saying that any of those things are bad or wrong or that I regret growing up in such a church.  What was most important (and still is) was that my dad preached the Word of God, and when it comes down to it – that is what really matters in a church – to have a leader who unwaveringly preaches the truth of the Bible. 

Our church sang a handful of worship songs, but we mostly sang songs from hymnals.  I don’t remember ever actually engaging in worship in my old church.  And honestly, I don’t think I really understood what it meant to worship God through music.  I was too busy reading the music in my hymnal (I usually sang alto) to think about the words I was actually singing and what worship actually means.  I never raised my hands in worship and for the most part, nobody in my church did.  I remember a few people that would occasionally raise their hands while they were singing but I didn’t understand the purpose of it.  I just didn’t get it.

When our family started attending Lancaster Community Church (where we are members now), my understanding of worship totally changed.  The very first time we visited LCC, I kid you not, my eyes were probably like saucers the entire time.  Everything was so different from what I was accustomed to!  There was a worship band with acoustic guitars, bass guitars, big speakers and DRUMS!  It was so loud and SO not traditional!  People were raising their hands in worship all over the place, people were jumping up and down, people were shouting and whistling and praising God – it was crazy!  I was completely blown away and I LOVED it!  I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to be a part of this church.  But I was definitely NOT about to join these “crazy worshipers” and raise my hands and act like them!  And I didn’t – not for a long time. 

I loved worship time at LCC every Sunday.  I loved the songs we sang, I loved the voices of the worship leaders, I loved the rockin’ bands, and I loved everyone’s excitement about worshiping their Savior.  The longer we attended, the more comfortable I began to feel, but I still didn’t feel comfortable raising my hands or anything of that nature – even though I REALLY wanted to!  The idea of doing it was SO out of my comfort zone and I didn’t want people to stare at me (like anybody was even watching me!).  So I continued to stay “comfortable” and be a “quiet” worshiper. 

After we had been attending LCC for about a year and a half, we had what was called a Worship Summit one Sunday evening.  It was going to be a service full of different kinds of worship – worship through music, through communion, through art and through prayer.  I really had no idea what to expect of this worship service and to be honest, I was kind of anxious going into it.  In the weeks leading up to this special service, the Holy Spirit had been convicting me like crazy – not specifically about worship but about completely surrendering my life to Him – giving Him ALL of me.  I knew that I had been holding myself back from Him for years and so much of it was out of fear.  I was terrified that if I completely gave God ALL of me, every single aspect of my life, that He would ask me to do something that I didn’t want to do – something that was way out of my comfort zone.  I don’t really know why I had this fear or where it came from, but it was something that was in the back of my mind for several years.

At the beginning of the Worship Summit, we sang several worship songs and I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit like I’d never felt before.  After we sang, we had a time where we could go around to different stations in the sanctuary.  We could just sit and pray, take communion, write down prayer requests and praises, or draw pictures to express something we were feeling.  I remember just sitting with Phil for several minutes.  We were leaning on each other, crying, talking and praying together.  When I think back on that time, I always recall what an incredible moment that was for the two of us, and how special it was and still is to me.  We then visited the different stations around the sanctuary before ending the service with more worship songs.  When we started singing again, I was so overcome with emotion.  I knew that God wanted me.  ALL of me.  And I couldn’t hold back any longer.  I told God right then and there that I wanted to give myself to Him completely – I gave Him everything – every situation – every reservation - every thought – every fear – I laid them all at His feet and said, “I’m yours, God.”  Immediately, it was like a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders.  I remember we were singing, “Let it Rain” by Jesus Culture.  The chorus says, “Let it rain, let it rain.  Open the floodgates of Heaven.  Let it rain, let it rain.  Open the floodgates of Heaven.  Let it rain, let it rain.”  As we were singing those words, I raised both of my hands in the air, tears were streaming down my face and I could literally feel the Holy Spirit “raining” on me.  I had never experienced something so freeing and peaceful!  I kept my hands raised up to my Savior for the remainder of the worship time and I could not stop crying because I was so overwhelmed with God’s love for me.  That night, I got it.  I understood what true worship means.  I understood that raising my hands in worship was not about ME!  It was about HIM!  ONLY HIM!  That’s what it has always been about!  What an incredible feeling to raise my hands in praise to the One who saved me and covered me with His Grace – the One who still covers me with His Grace every single day!

And that was when my life changed.  That was when I became one of those “crazy worshipers.”  Now, every time I sing worship songs, I raise my hands to my God.  I literally can’t keep my hands at my sides anymore!  I find myself raising my hands in my car when I’m listening to worship music – and I don’t even care if people that pass me think I’m crazy or if my boys are in the back seat thinking that their mommy has lost her mind!  It’s not about me - it’s all about Him!

You are never too old to learn

School.  Just that single word in and of itself, terrifies me sometimes.  Growing up I hated school.  With a passion.  I didn’t hate every second of it, but for the most part, I hated it.  I hated math.  I hated science.  I hated history.  I hated social studies. 

The reason I didn’t enjoy school had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I was homeschooled, nor did it have anything to do with my teachers (aka my parents).  I didn’t enjoy it because I sucked at it.  Learning wasn’t easy for me.  I could read something over and over and then have to answer a question about what I just read, and I couldn’t answer the question.  I just had a hard time comprehending and remembering things.  Even if I did know the correct answer, I wouldn’t say it because I was afraid that I was wrong and I didn’t want my older siblings to laugh or make fun of me.  I hated being wrong. 

Math was always my most difficult subject.  It still is.  I remember when I started learning multiplication I just could not get it.  One afternoon, my mom made me go upstairs to my bedroom and she told me I had to stay in there until I memorized my times tables.  I stayed in my room for hours working on them.  And then I fell asleep.  My dad had to wake me up and carry me downstairs to the dinner table.  I didn’t get them all memorized in that one afternoon, but I did eventually get it – after lots of work.

It’s a miracle that I graduated high school and that I passed the GED.  Seriously a miracle.  When I was finally finished, I swear I heard the hallelujah chorus.  I was so glad to be done!  NO MORE SCHOOL!  EVER!  I mentioned in a previous post that college was not really encouraged in my house, and I was MORE than ok with that.  I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew I didn’t want to go to college.  More school??  Are you kidding me??  No thank you!

So guess what.  I’m thirty and I’m in college.  I know.  I can’t believe it either.  I tell ya what…God is hilarious.  Never in a million years would I have ever dreamed that I would choose to go back to school.  But sometimes God’s plans are not our plans. 

A couple of years ago, I was in a rut.  A big one.  I just felt stuck.  Like I was just aimlessly wandering through life with no real purpose or goals.  I have a really good job and I don't hate it.  I actually like my job and I love the people I work with.  I’m just not passionate about what I do.  I just felt like I wanted to do more with my life, ya know?  I found myself thinking, “Is this it, God?”  One evening, I was washing dishes and I was thinking about what I wanted to do - what I was really passionate about.  I knew that I was passionate about helping people.  I have always had a heavy burden for hurting and troubled people.  I have always been a good listener and the type of person that people tend to open up to and pour their hearts out to.  Not because I ask them to.  They just come to me.  And I listen.  I don’t usually say much, but I do let them know that I support them and that I am there for them.  As I was doing the dishes, I suddenly had an epiphany that I needed to get into some kind of counseling field.  And then I thought, “OK.  Now what?”  And then God spoke to me probably more clearly than He ever has and He said, “I want you to go to school.”  I almost started laughing right there in the kitchen all by myself.  Me, go to school??  Haha.  You have GOT to be kidding me!  But He definitely wasn’t kidding.  I couldn’t get it out of my head.  I finally talked to Phil about it and he was completely on board.  Then I talked to my parents about it and they were excited about the possibility.  So I started looking into it.  I looked at several schools online and decided that Ohio Christian University was going to be the best choice for me.  I met with an academic advisor, applied, enrolled, and a few months later, I started classes.  It all happened so quickly and everything went so smoothly, that I knew that this was what God wanted for me – and I felt an incredible peace knowing that.

And it’s a good thing I had that peace, because I was TERRIFIED.  I was so nervous and anxious before starting my first class.  When I get nervous, I get sick to my stomach, and I get sweaty and shaky – it’s terrible!  But I did it.  And I’m still doing it – 19 months later.  I will graduate with an Associate’s Degree in Business Management in September 2013.  Then I plan to continue on to get a Bachelor’s Degree to keep working towards my goal of becoming a counselor.  It’s going to take me a long time to reach my goal – but I’m determined to not give up.

I have had a lot of people ask me how I do it.  How I can go to school while juggling work, my family, and church activities.  I tell them that with God’s help, I take it one day at a time, one class at a time.  And I definitely could not do it without the support of my husband and my family – and absolutely not without the help of my brother who is my math tutor!

If you are reading this and you are considering going back to school but you are too scared or you think it’s too late - do it!  I promise you will not regret it.  I can honestly say that I am now a more confident person because of the choice I made.  I am not saying that it has been an easy road.  I get completely stressed and overwhelmed at times.  And sometimes I just feel like giving up.  But I have to choose not to - every time.  And it is so worth it!

I still hate math.  I still hate science.  But I don’t hate school anymore.  I now love learning, and knowing that I am becoming a more educated person, is a great feeling!  Before I started school, in my mind, the only thing I had going for me was the fact that I could read, write, and I’m a good speller.  But ya know what?  Some of my professors can’t even spell!  We all have certain things that we are good at, and other things that we’re…not so good at it.  But I’m telling you, if I can do it, you can do it – I really mean that!

Don’t ever believe that you aren’t smart enough, strong enough, or young enough.  You are smarter than you think, stronger than you think, and you are never too old to learn.