Relationships

I have a feeling that this blog post is going to be rather lengthy, so please forgive me.  I have much to say…

I have been trying to write this blog post for days and have been unsuccessful.  I have come to realize that the reason I have been having so much trouble writing it is because satan has been attacking me like crazy because he doesn’t want me to write it.  Well satan, I have a word for you.  I’m writing this blog post because God laid it on my heart to be more open and real with others – and you are not going to stop me.  satan, I am right now, right this second, for everyone to see, rebuking you in the name of Jesus Christ and I am going to write this whether you like it or not.  You do not own me.  You do not have any part of me.  I will not believe the lies that you have been whispering in my ear.  I am HIS and I will be obedient to HIM.  So take that!

Now that that’s out of the way…

Leading up to this post, I have been struggling with the issue of relationships/friendships.  I was actually sharing this with a close friend one week ago over coffee.  I told her some things that I was struggling with and I was very honest with her about the fact that I struggle with letting people be my friend.  I tell myself that I am strong enough to handle my problems on my own and that I don’t want to burden others with my struggles.  As I was saying these words to my friend, she cut me off and said, “But Natalie, you’ll never survive!”  And you know what?  She is absolutely right.  I will never survive on my own.

I’m going to share with you a few lies that satan has led me to believe for the past several years:

Lie #1:  PEOPLE WILL NOT LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

I’m different.  Not weird, different.  (Ok, maybe a little)  I’m just not a typical woman.  Or what I consider to be a typical woman.  I’m not crafty, I suck at baking (nothing ever turns out quite right), I am a terrible homemaker, and I have not once in my life ever been on Pinterest.  I know.  Insert gasp here.  I am not a stay at home mom and at this time in my life, I have no desire to be a stay at home mom.  I have found that I NEED to work – I NEED to get out of my house.  I love the time that I do have with my boys, but I have found that I cannot be the best mom that I can be by staying home with them every day.  My husband can testify to this!  And I am so thankful to have a husband that does not think less of me for the decision I have made to keep working even after we had kids.  He respects the fact that I need to have a job outside of being a wife and mom – and he is totally ok with it.

So since I’ve told you what I’m NOT like, you are probably wondering what I AM like. 

I love movies (all kinds) and I quote them all the time (yes, even the stupid guy movies).  I love music and am constantly listening to it.  I love shopping – clothes and shoes in particular.  I love cooking - especially without a recipe.  I enjoy just throwing things together and seeing what happens (baking is way too precise for me).  I love traveling and I dream about it all the time.  I love being adventurous and trying new things – if I’ve never done it, I want to try it at least once – and it’s probably on my bucket list.  I like shooting guns – don’t ask me why, I just do.  I love just hanging out, talking and playing cards with my family.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I love going out to dinner – give me a steak or a slab of ribs (the messier, the better) and I’m good.  If I was totally and completely being myself all the time, I would most likely almost always be wearing jeans with holes in them with rocker t-shirts, and Chuck Taylor’s. While I do like some girly things, I do not consider myself to be a girly person at all.  I LOVE having boys and I do not have a problem being the only girl in my house!  That’s pretty much me in a nutshell! 

Lie #2:  PEOPLE WILL ONLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.

I know this sounds crazy but if you had a husband like mine, you would understand.  Phil is good natured, hilarious and extremely fun to be around.  I mean, seriously, who DOESN’T like him?  I am not as outgoing as my husband so anytime we are around others, I am usually just sitting there being quiet while he is talking non-stop and making everyone laugh.  Please do not misunderstand this as something that I’m bitter about – I LOVE my husband and I LOVE his personality.  I am usually perfectly fine with not talking.  I am no Chatty Cathy, and it usually takes me a little while to warm up to people I don’t know very well.  And Phil…well…not so much. :) This particular lie from satan is just one that feeds into my insecurities about myself and has nothing to do with Phil.

Lie #3:  YOU ARE A BURDEN TO OTHERS.

This particular lie is part of what keeps me from opening up to people.  I do not want to burden others with my own problems or struggles because they have their own.  I just don’t feel right adding more to their plate.  Over the past several years, I have needed to be strong for others.  I have been someone that people can lean on –their “rock” so to speak.  And while I have been so busy being there for everyone else – I haven’t let anyone be there for ME.  I have slowly been wearing down, feeling weaker, and sort of falling apart inside.  I might look fine on the outside, but on the inside, a lot of the time, I’m hurting or feeling like screaming.  And I know it’s because I’ve been holding so much inside for SO long, because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.  And not only that, I want people to think that I “have it all together”, even though I SO don’t.  I want to “appear” strong.  So when someone asks me how I am I say, “I’m good” or “I’m fine” – instead of what I’m really thinking or feeling. 

For example, I will share with you what a typical Sunday is like for me.  Sunday mornings are usually chaos.  Even if I try to get clothes for church laid out the night before or do other things to prepare – it doesn’t matter.  satan doesn’t want me to make it to church, so he will do anything to try to make me stay home.  For some reason, it’s like this huge surprise to my boys that we are going to church every Sunday.  It’s also a huge surprise to them that they have to get up and get dressed.  (I hope you are sensing my sarcasm here)  After listening to the whining and crying about NOT wanting to get dressed or having to stay for two services at church – I have just about had all I can take for one day.  So after I finally make it to church and a friend says, “Hi, how are you?”  I smile and say, “I’m fine” instead of saying, “Well, this morning has been insane, my boys fought in the car the entire way here, I threatened to pull over and spank them both, and I also had thoughts of putting them up for sale on Ebay when I get home, but yeah, I’m good!”  (Ok, the Ebay part is a joke, I promise.)  Am I the only one that has days like that??  Anyway, this is just to let you know that I am very good at putting on a front and acting like I’m fine even when I’m not.

Lie #4:  YOU DON’T NEED CLOSE FRIENDS – THEY WILL ONLY HURT YOU.

I’m very guarded in my relationships, and I think that is partly because I’ve been hurt by close friends in the past.  Whether it was something that was said to me (or behind my back), or something that was done to me, those things have made a lasting impact on my life – and not in a good way.  So many of the hurts that I have held onto are not even important now – but they were important to me back then.  Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have been able to forgive and let go of a lot of those hurts – but there are some that I am still working on.

I mentioned earlier that I have been struggling with the issue of relationships in my life just in the past few weeks and that I’ve been struggling for days to write this post.  Last night, we had a special worship service at our church.  At the beginning of the service our pastor said that he had asked all of the pastors in our church to be listening to the Holy Spirit throughout the service for a special word from Him and to share at the end of the service.  At the end of the service, each pastor got up and shared what they had heard from the Holy Spirit.  Some words were for our church in general, and some were for specific people.  It was very moving to hear how the Holy Spirit was moving just in the short amount of time that we were there.  Our lead pastor shared last.  He shared a couple of words that he had and then he said, “And this next word is for Natalie.”  He looked at me and I almost started crying before he even said anything.  The word that the Holy Spirit had given to him for me was this:  “There were things in your life that were inflicted on you that satan meant to be burrs that bring constant hurt for your entire life but as you turn them over to God, he is turning them into flowers which will bring Him glory and you joy.”  Wow.  I was overcome with emotion and I’m still crying as I’m typing this.  I am still amazed at the way God works.  I shouldn’t be by now, but I still am.  He knew exactly what I had been struggling with the past few weeks and He knew exactly what I needed to hear.  It’s exactly like my pastor said – these past hurts that have been inflicted on me are like burrs – it’s like I keep trying to pick them off one by one and they keep sticking to me.  But I am slowly but surely learning to turn each one over to God – so that He can turn them into something beautiful. 

I fully recognize that all of the lies I have listed are from satan and no one else.  And for a long time I have believed them.  But I’m done believing them.  They are not true – not one of them.  satan has had me exactly where he wants me – alone.  And alone is a very dangerous place to be.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I don’t want to be guarded in my relationships anymore.  I want to face my “friendship fears” and put it all out there.  I want to be real.  I want to be open.  I want to be honest.  I want to have deep, meaningful relationships with others that will bring glory to God and joy to me.  I am a work in progress – but I’m ready to let go and let God.