Happy New Year!

Today is the last day of 2013 and after I had my devotions this morning I began to think about this past year.  I have experienced so many awesome things and God has blessed me over and over again.  As I was thinking about these things my heart felt like it could literally explode from being so full of joy, happiness, and thankfulness. 

This year God gave us a brand new furnace/air conditioner when our heat went out on one of the coldest weeks of the winter.

This year God provided the funds for me to be able to go on my first ever missions trip to Mexico with our church youth group. 

This year, by the grace of God, I completed my Associate’s degree in Business Management at Ohio Christian University.

This year God allowed Phil to be able to quit his second job so that we could have more time together as a family and more time devoted to serving our church.

This year one of my close friends whom I had been praying for, for many years, came to know Christ and was baptized.

This year I gave up shopping for myself (clothes, shoes, etc., which is a HUGE deal!), and God helped me realized that I have so much more than I could ever need.

This year God provided money for us to buy new winter coats for our two boys when the ones they had were too small and the zippers were broken.

This year God gave us a new bathroom when we had an on-going non-repairable leak in our bathtub for months (which unknowingly caused the wood under the tub to rot and caused water damage and black mold to build up directly around an electrical outlet that is in our boy’s room and could have caused a house fire).

This year God blessed me with new friendships.

This year God worked in my heart, convicted me, humbled me, changed me, and helped me to let go of things I had been holding on to.

This year I grew deeper in my faith and in my relationship with my Savior.

What an awesome year and what a Gracious and Mighty God!  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me and my family in 2014 – Happy New Year!

Christian Excellence

If someone would have asked me a few weeks ago to define Christian excellence, I probably would have stared blankly at them for a few seconds and then given them a short answer like this: “I think that Christian excellence is striving to be more like Christ.”  While that may be part of the definition, I have learned that it is really so much deeper than that.  I have also realized that if I truly am striving for Christian excellence in my own life, I am failing miserably and have a lot of work to do.

            The majority of my life has been spent aimlessly wandering through life.  Growing up, my parents made me believe that my main purpose in life was to become a Christian, followed by becoming a wife and mother.  They never encouraged me to go to college after graduating from high school because I didn’t need a college education to be a wife and mother.  So in my mind, college was not necessary, nor was it even an option for me.  By the age of 18, I was already engaged to be married.  At the time, my fiancé was not in a place where he would be able to support us both financially, so I came to the conclusion that in order to be able to get married, I would have to get a job.  I applied for a job as an optician without any experience or knowledge of the optical world and I was hired on the spot.

            After getting married at the age of 20, my husband and I both continued to work full-time and we were very content with our lives.  We both wanted to have kids, but not right away.  After a couple of years, we decided we were ready to have a family so we bought our first home.  After our first son was born I was on maternity leave for 8 weeks and it became very clear to me that God had not called me to be a stay at home mom.  I returned to work and a couple of years later, we had our second son. 

            After life sort of calmed down and we settled into our family of four, I began to feel like I was in a rut.  I became bored with my surroundings and began feeling depressed.  I remember one evening I was standing at my kitchen sink, washing dishes after dinner and I remember contemplating my life.  I thought about my wonderful husband and boys, our cute little house, our wonderful church, our jobs, and all of the things that God had blessed me with.  Yet I still felt unfulfilled, like there was supposed to be something more.  I literally remember thinking, “This is it, God?  This is my life?”

            After praying about it for a while God made it very clear to me what He wanted me to do.  It was the first time in my life that I could literally hear God speak to me and all He said was, “I want you to go to school.”  Even though I thought it sounded crazy, I couldn’t ignore what God was leading me to do.  I spoke to my husband about it and he was completely on board.  After that, everything just began to fall into place and it was amazing to see God open all the doors to make things possible.

            I have been able to continue working at my job as an optician while attending classes at the same time, which has been a huge blessing.  I don’t hate my job, nor do I dread going to work every morning, but at the same time, I don’t love it, nor am I passionate about it.  During the past several months I have begun liking my job less and less.  As I have been nearing the end of my education to acquire my associate’s degree, I have started feeling more excited and anxious about beginning my classes in substance abuse counseling to get my bachelor’s degree and my counseling license.  In turn, this has caused me to feel even less satisfied with my current job and has caused me to become antsy.

            When I started my first class of my bachelor’s program, Christian Excellence, I must admit I wasn’t looking forward to the class.  I didn’t understand what Christian Excellence had to do with my major and I was just ready to dive into my counseling classes.  After two and a half years of being in school, I was feeling burned out.  Burned out with school, my job, all of my responsibilities and just life in general.  My attitude towards others, especially my co-workers, had turned rotten.  In my mind, I was just ready to get out of this “dead-end” job and move on with my life as a counselor.  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

            God got my attention during the very first night of my Christian Excellence class.  That night, everything hit me at once.  God made it very clear to me how wrong my attitude was about everything.  He showed me how selfish I was being and showed me that I was focusing on all of the wrong things.  I had allowed my pride to get in the way of how I was living my life.  I had become so focused on reaching the goal that God was calling me to reach, that it became MY goal, instead of His.  I was trying to do things without His help, relying on my own strength and patting myself on the back for how far I had already come in achieving my goal.  That first night of class, my professor told us that our three main goals in life should be to, 1) Bring God Glory, 2) Win the World for Christ, and 3) Represent God.  It was in that moment that I realized just how off-base I had become and that somewhere along the way, I had lost my main focus: Christ.

            In our first week of homework we were assigned some reading material that our homework questions were based on.  In the first chapter of one my textbooks, “The Christian’s Guide to Effective Personal Management”, the author, Oosting, states that, “Too much attention to self is probably the major reason that many people are not at peace with God”…”Having a right relationship with God requires us to put God first in a meaningful way and not just by the words that we say” (2003, p. 7).  I realized that I was no longer putting God first, especially in school and at my job.  It was then that I began asking God to soften and humble my heart in all situations in my life, and it was then that my attitude began to change.

            My job had become a frustrating one.  I was clashing with one of my co-workers, I was frustrated with my boss, I was tired of being yelled at by angry patients, and I resented the fact that my hard work was never appreciated or recognized.  Another textbook that we were reading is called, “How to Get Along With Almost Anyone.”  In this book, the author talks about the importance of wisdom in getting along with others.  Wright (1989) says, “You need understanding, insight, discernment, patience, and a host of other qualities to read and relate to others.  God’s wisdom, resident in His Word and available to you through His Spirit, will equip you to get along with people” (p. 70).  This reminder really stood out to me because I realized that I had not been asking God for wisdom in how to deal with my frustrations in my job and my relationships with co-workers.  I had become a negative person in my job and I found myself criticizing others and complaining about everything that was frustrating me.  This became a turning point for me.  That night I made the decision to change my attitude and actions at work and I started the next morning.  Just in the past few weeks, it has been incredible to see how God softening my heart and changing my attitude has completely changed my work environment and my relationships with others.

            This entire Christian Excellence class has been an exhausting time of self-evaluation and conviction in my life.  Every class has been an emotional experience for me as God continues to open my eyes and my heart to things that I need to change about myself, and things I need to do to realign where my focus should be in every aspect of my life.  For as long as I can remember I have had an intense burden for hurting, troubled people, and I have had a burning passion in my heart to love them with God’s love and to accept them no matter who they are or what kind of life they are living.  This burden and passion are part of what has led me to wanting to get into a counseling field so that I can make a difference in someone’s life just by loving them with God’s love and listening to them.  But after taking this class, God has caused me to question my motives and evaluate where my heart is.  How can I love complete strangers and hope to counsel them and make a difference in their life, when I am not even doing that with the people I see every single day?

            In his book, “Christian Excellence”, author Johnston states, “If we desire excellence – the kind of excellence that will bring the most glory to our heavenly Father – we must deepen in our understanding of, and commitment to, authentic agape love, a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, and available to all”…”It is not enough to have minds that radiate with His excellence.  That same excellence must permeate our actions.  We must be constantly involved in loving deeds” (1996, pp. 49 & 52).  I have become so focused on what I want to do in the future, that I have been neglecting what I need to be doing in the present.

            If you were to ask me today what the definition of Christian excellence is, I would tell you that I believe that Christian excellence is finding my identity in Christ, and nothing else, and being better today than I was yesterday.  I don’t want to look back on my life and wish that I had loved people more, prayed with them more, and been present with them more.  This Christian Excellence class has been exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.  It has confirmed to me that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now and that there is no need to rush getting my bachelor’s degree and counseling license because He is still teaching me and molding me into exactly who He wants me to be.  The goals that I am working towards will be achieved all in God’s time and I can rest in the peace of knowing that God has everything under control.  In the meantime, I am going to press into Christ and let Him use me however He sees fit right now.  I don’t just want God to use me in the future – I want Him to use me in the now.  And I want it all to be for His glory.  “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31.

I don't want to be comfortable

I used to be terrified that if I were to surrender every aspect of my life to God that He would ask me to do something crazy or scary – or both.  I used to be certain that if I were to give myself completely to Him that He would tell me that he wanted me to go live in a grass hut in Africa.  I’m serious – that was a literal thought and fear of mine.  I was totally cool with being comfortable.  I lived in a comfortable little Christian bubble and that was ok with me.  I attended church faithfully and I tried to be a good witness to those around me.  That’s good enough, right? 

At the time I thought it was.  For so long I had been fine with just being on the sidelines of life without actually getting into the “game” and getting dirty, you know what I mean?

When I finally made the decision to completely surrender my life to God a few years ago, my life definitely changed.  Here are a few things that have happened in my life since then:

-       I enrolled in college (which forced me to do public speaking and class presentations– yikes!)

-       I made new friends (yes, this was scary for me)

-       I started helping teach K-3^rd kids at church and played a 5 year old cheerleader in skits (I know – this was wayyy out of my comfort zone)

-       I started sharing my faith with classmates

-       I became a youth leader at my church

Some of these things might not sound so scary and crazy to you – but they were for me!  There are so many other little things that I can’t even think of, but through it all God has given me the strength to do all of them.  I have never felt so fulfilled and at peace with my life than I do now.  I am continually learning to just turn things over to God and live in the comfort of knowing that He is in complete control over every situation in my life.  I still have my freak out moments but God always gets my attention and calms me back down.

When I think back to how terrified I used to be of doing things that are out of my comfort zone, it’s almost funny to me.  I do things that used to completely freak me out and make me a nervous wreck on a weekly basis now.  And I have realized in the midst of all of it, that I don’t want to be comfortable anymore.  I want to be pushed.  I want to be challenged.  I want God to shake up my world a little bit. 

And if that means that He will eventually want me to live in a grass hut in Africa, then ok.  I’m not saying that wouldn’t still be wayyy out of my comfort zone – but for some reason, it doesn’t seem as scary now.

I don’t think God wants me to live in my little bubble and have a comfortable life.  I think He wants me to change, to be challenged, to grow, to stretch myself, and to be obedient in allowing Him to use me to my full potential.  So here I am, God.  I’m all yours – and that's the part I feel really comfortable with.

Keep Fighting

My heart is heavy.  My heart is hurting and breaking for so many people right now.  People that I love and care about.  Yesterday, I was faced with six different situations that are going on around me right now.  Bad situations.  Painful situations.  Boy, satan is having a freaking field day.  And these six situations are only the ones that I know about because I am close to them.  Just think of all of the other bad situations that are going on right now that I have no clue about!  This is so discouraging and disheartening to me!  I just want to fix them all!  I don’t want people to have to go through the pain of losing loved ones.  I don’t want marriages to fail.  I don’t want people to be accused wrongly and unfairly.  I don't want people to let anger and bitterness control their lives.  I don’t want people to be depressed.  I don’t want people to lose the will to live. ß But all of these things are happening right now and they are all very real.  And only God can fix them.

Honestly, I feel like screaming right now.  And crying.  And giving a few people a piece of my mind!  But I know that won’t solve anything and it won’t make me feel better.  I can’t fix any of these situations.  I have no control over any of them.  I can’t change people’s minds or their hearts.  But God can.

So instead, I am crying out to God on behalf of each of these situations that are on my mind and my heart.  Because I know that God is our only hope.  Our only hope of reconciliation, of forgiveness and of healing.  I am praying that hearts and minds will be opened by the Holy Spirit and that He will show Himself in each of these situations and that He will be glorified through them all.  I am praying that God will cover each of these hurting people with a comfort and peace that only He can provide.

If you are in the process of losing a loved one, take comfort in knowing that God knows your pain.  He knows what loss feels like.  He gave up His only Son to die for each and every one of us.  Know that He can give you peace even in the midst of the pain and that He knows exactly how you are feeling.

If your marriage is failing, don’t give up.  Fight for your marriage if at all possible.  God can heal even the deepest hurts in a marriage – even when it doesn’t make sense.  He can take something that is completely broken and make it whole again.

If you are being accused wrongly and unfairly – take heart – God is fighting for you.  He has your back in this.  He is in complete control.  He has you in His hands and He has a perfect plan – even in this.

If you are angry and bitter, give that anger and bitterness to God.  He knows exactly what to do with it.  If you are hanging on to past hurts, let them go.  If you don’t, you will stay just as miserable as you are now.  God doesn’t want you to be miserable!  He wants to carry the burden of your pain for you!

If you are depressed, know that there is hope.  God can and will bring you through this.  If you have lost the will to live, please don’t give up.  God sees you.  He loves you.  He cares about you, even when it feels like nobody else does.  Your life is worth fighting for – even when it doesn’t feel like it  - YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I believe in the power of prayer.  I know that God is still on His throne.  And I know that in the end, satan loses.  Keep fighting, friends.  This is not a losing battle – God has already won!

It's worth it

I’m sitting on my couch with my two little boys right now while they are watching a movie before bedtime.  Things are quiet and peaceful right now and I am feeling blessed and thankful for this time with them.

You’d never guess that a couple of hours ago I was in the middle of a knock-down drag-out argument with my defiant 7 year old.  This little man has been challenging me so much lately.  He is 7 going on 17.  He gets upset when he doesn’t get his way.  (I do, too, but I’ve learned that I can’t throw a fit about it - but he is still in that learning stage - obviously).  Sometimes we go round and round about things and this kid does not back down easily.  He is stubborn and defiant.  I have to explain to him why he isn’t allowed to behave this way and that sometimes we cannot always have what we want.   Then I explain to him that he will be punished for the way he has acted.  Which only makes him more upset and then his punishment gets larger.  It is exhausting.  Sometimes I wish I could just give in and give him what he wants because it would just be easier and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  But I know I can’t do that.  So I stand my ground with him.  And then I go lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I’m kidding.  I haven’t done that in a while.

Tonight’s argument was about dinner.  Landon wanted McDonald’s and I told him no.  He threw a fit, I punished him, and then gave him two choices.  He could stay in his room and have a bad attitude, not eat dinner and go to bed, or he could change his attitude, come out of his room, eat dinner, and enjoy the rest of his evening before bed.  I left him alone to think about it and after a few minutes, he made the right decision.  I made him dinner and he has been the most pleasant little guy since.

While he and Carter were eating their dinner, I sat in the kitchen and spent some time with God.  I knew I needed to at that moment because I needed to vent to Him before I started to take things out on my boys.  I felt like I was falling apart.  I’m tired.  I’m emotional.  I’m discouraged.  I feel drained.  I’ve had a really long, hard, stressful few days at work so far this week and I am just DONE.  I came home from being stressed at work to having this confrontation with Landon and I just wanted to give up.

While I was in my kitchen, I was reading my Bible through tears.  I was reading Jeremiah 31 and these verses just jumped out at me: “3b I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.  4a I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt…   16 This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord.”  It was like God was speaking right to my heart.  Sometimes I feel like all of my hard work is for nothing – as a Mom, at my job, with school – but God reminded me that my “work will be rewarded.”  I just need to hang in there.

Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had.  It pushes me and challenges me every day in ways that I have never been pushed and challenged before.  It is exhausting and hard work at times.  But it’s worth it.  You know how I know that?  Because when I tucked Landon into bed and prayed with him just now, I talked about the argument we had because I wanted to make sure that he knew that I love him and that when I say, “no” to things, I’m not trying to be mean.  And he said, “I know. Hey, Mom?  I’m sorry.  I love you.”  And then he gave me the biggest, tightest, hug ever.  And that’s how I know it’s worth it.

In a "funk"

I think I’ve been in a bad mood for over a week.  I don’t really know why – I mean, I could give you a list of things that have contributed to it, but I couldn’t really tell you where it’s stemming from exactly. 

I haven’t been sleeping well, nor have I been getting enough sleep.  I’ve been having more headaches than I normally do.  I’ve had a bad cold.  I’ve had PMS (am I allowed to say that?).  All of these things thrown together are just a recipe for disaster.  I’ve been irritable, grumpy, and just plain not enjoyable to be around.  I’ve been short with my husband and impatient with my boys.  I just haven’t been myself at all.

The same thing has been going on with Phil.  He hasn’t been sleeping well (part of that is my fault because I’ve been talking in my sleep and jumping out of bed and saying crazy things – which I NEVER do).  He’s been really down and depressed lately.  He’s been emotional and irritable.  He’s also been impatient with our boys.

Now add the two of us together and – boom!  We have been driving each other crazy, getting on each other’s nerves, being short with each other.  And each of us has been thinking that the other is the problem.  Isn’t that how it usually is?

Phil and I have talked about things a couple of times and have both admitted that we don’t know where this is coming from and what is causing it.  We both just feel “off” – but can’t explain why.  He even mentioned to me that some of the staff that he works with at LCC have been feeling the same way.

This morning as I was washing my dishes, I was spending some time in prayer (and being so thankful for silence while my boys are at school – thank you, Jesus).  I was asking God to help me change my attitude and to help me snap out of this “funk” that I’ve been in.  Then I prayed for my husband.  Then I began to pray for my pastor and each of the other pastors, elders and staff members at my church.  After praying for a while, God reminded me of what a wonderful marriage I have and also of what a wonderful church family and church leaders we have been blessed with. 

I began to think about so many things my husband and I have been able to overcome in our 10 years of marriage.  We have dealt with some pretty tough junk since we’ve been married.  We have hurt each other, we have done and said some really stupid things, but by the grace of God, we have been able to fight and work through those things together.  Our marriage now, is the best and strongest it has ever been – and I am so thankful.  I am so thankful that we made the decision before we got married that divorce would never be an option for us, no matter how hard things get.  We are in it for the long haul – we are a team, whether we always “feel” like working together or not.  I know that Phil always has my back and he knows that I always have his – no matter what.

Then I began thinking about my church, my pastor, and the rest of the LCC staff.  I was thinking about some of the things that our church has been able to overcome.  Our church went through a split not too long ago and even though Phil and I were not very involved in the church yet, I know that was a very tough time for our church.  There were a lot of hurt feelings and I am sure that some people weren’t sure if we would fully recover from that.  But I am amazed at the physical and spiritual growth our church has experienced!  The Holy Spirit has been moving like crazy within our church and we are literally busting at the seams!  What an awesome testimony of God’s grace and power!

After thinking about the growth in my marriage and in my church, God reminded me that satan HATES that.  He doesn’t want me to have a healthy marriage and he doesn’t want any of us to have a healthy church.  John 10:10 immediately popped into my head: “The thief (satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy…”  This little reminder just brought everything full circle for me.  This “funk” that I have been in made sense to me now.  I truly believe that there is no reason for the way I have been feeling and acting, other than the fact that it is from satan.  He wants me to fight and argue with my husband – he doesn't want us to get along – and he most certainly wants our marriage to fail.  And the same goes for our church – satan doesn’t like that the Holy Spirit has been working in our church and changing lives.  He wants our church to fail and fall apart.  He wants us to be in a “funk” – he wants us to feel oppressed, he wants us to be moody, irritable, and grumpy so that we start snapping at each other and stop getting along.  He wants to kill and destroy any unity and spiritual growth in our lives.

Thinking about this got me all fired up.  I started to get angry and frustrated and it reminded me how vital it is that we always be on our guard.  We have to be so faithful about resisting the devil in our lives – which made me think of another verse:  “Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  James 4:7  We can’t forget that satan is always out to get us and that we must resist him and rebuke him in the name of Jesus, continually.  I will be honest with you – I forget – a lot.  “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  1 Peter 5:8  He is constantly prowling around us and loves to attack us - especially when he sees the Holy Spirit working in our lives. 

We need to pray for each other.  We need to pray for our spouse.  We need to pray for our pastor.  We need to pray for the leaders in our church.  They need to know that we have their backs and that we are committed to being faithful prayer warriors on their behalf.  There is so much power in prayer – don’t underestimate it.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”                                                                                  -Ephesians 6:18

"Our prayer must not be self-centered. It must arise not only because we feel our own need as a burden we must lay upon God, but also because we are so bound up in love for our fellow men that we feel their need as acutely as our own. To make intercession for men is the most powerful and practical way in which we can express our love for them."                                                                                                        -John Calvin

Simplify

sim·pli·fy  

tr.v. sim·pli·fied, sim·pli·fy·ing, sim·pli·fies

To make simple or simpler, as:

a. To reduce in complexity or extent.

b. To reduce to fundamental parts.

c. To make easier to understand.

Simplify.  Such a small word – but one that has a huge meaning for me right now.  God has been bringing this one word to my mind daily for the past several weeks. 

I have already written about how God has been working in my heart in regards to how much “stuff” I have and also that I have made the decision to not buy any clothes, shoes, etc. for myself throughout this entire year.  After being so deeply convicted about the amounts of “stuff” in my life, this prompted me to start getting rid of some of that stuff.  I just really felt like God wanted me to do this so I started thinking about where I should start.  I kept hearing Him say, “Simplify” - just that one word.  I had already recently gone through my clothes and shoes and gotten rid of tons of stuff I don’t wear anymore by giving things away, selling some to a consignment shop, and donating the rest to our local Volunteers of America thrift store.  Since I didn’t need to do that again, I decided to start de-cluttering my entire house.  I plan to do this one room at a time in the next several months.  I started with my kitchen last week, which resulted in me thinking that it would be easier to just light my house on fire and start all over.  Way to be positive though, right?! ;)  I am AMAZED at the amounts of stuff that we have accumulated in the almost 9 years that we have lived in this house – keep in mind that this is a thought that popped into my head after doing one room in my house – ONE – just imagine what the rest of my house is like.  (This is why we never invite people over – I wish I were joking)  Granted, most of the mess and clutter in my house is hidden behind closet doors, in the attic, the basement or the garage, but still – it’s ridiculously embarrassing. 

While I have been focused on this new project of mine, all I have been hearing is God saying, “Simplify, Nat.  I want you to simplify your life.  Simplify.”  So I thought, “Yeah, God, I hear you.  I’m doing it.  I’ve already started.”  And he kept saying, “Simplify, Nat.  Simplify your life.”  To which I thought, “Really, God?  Do you HAVE to keep telling me this?  I already started!  Can’t you see I’m working on it??”  Then he said again, “Simplify.  Simplify your life.”  At this point, I was seriously getting a little irritated and I thought, “Ok, God.  I get the message.  Do you REALLY think I’m THAT dense?”  And then guess what He said again.  Yep, you guessed it!  But this time, it was different.  He emphasized a word and He added a little more to it.  He said, “Simplify, Nat.  Simplify your LIFE – not just your home.”  Whoa.  That one made me literally stop what I was doing at that moment.  It all made sense to me now. 

Let me tell you a little about my life.  I have a very busy schedule.  SO busy.   Way too busy.  ALL.THE.TIME.  I barely have time to breathe.  I am a wife and mom, I work a full-time job, I am a full-time college student, I am involved in my church, and I have family and friends to spend time with.  Trying to make time for all of that, every single week, is a little rough.  There are weeks when I literally do not have one single evening at home with my family – and it is really starting to wear on me.  This past holiday season was the first time I had a break from it all since LAST holiday season.  And it was incredible – I had a few days where I had absolutely NOTHING that I had to do and I could just enjoy my family.  I was able to cook dinner for my family nearly every day.  I felt SO relaxed, happy and stress-free.  My husband says I was like a different person – well if that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is!  I thought, “Am I normally THAT miserable to live with?”  Excuse me while I go jump off a cliff somewhere.

I am stressed more often than not.  And stress causes a lot of negative effects on me.  It makes me grumpy, irritable, and emotional and it also weakens my immune system.  I get sick very easily anymore.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have already been sick this winter.  I woke up this past Monday morning with a stomach virus that had already gone through the rest of my family – but I still went to work.  While I was at work I had to run to the bathroom a couple of times in between answering the phone and getting caught up on office work.  At one point I was literally sitting on the floor in the back of the office eating saltine crackers.  While I was sitting there, I remembered what God had told me.  I ended up making myself leave work early to go home and rest.  I crashed on my couch for a few hours and then I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I got up and made dinner for my family and baked brownies (there is seriously something WRONG with me!!).  Then I felt like I was going to die, so back to the couch I went. 

Then, the other day, someone asked me to do something one evening this week and I told them “no.”  At least it’s a step in the right direction.

I do believe this is what God was trying to tell me.  I need to manage my time better.  I need to spend more time at home with my family.  I need to start saying “no” more.  I need to reprioritize.  I need to simplify my life.  In as many areas as possible.  I am still praying about exactly what all I need to cut back on in my life and I covet your prayers for me as well. 

Here’s to having a simpler wardrobe.  A simpler home.  A simpler life.

On the verge

I feel like I’m on the verge of something.  Something big.  I have never been so excited for a new year to begin, and it’s not because 2012 was a bad year – it had its ups and downs for me, but it wasn’t overall a bad year.  I feel like I have grown so much over the past several months.  God has been working on my heart more than He ever has before and while it has been a slow and painful process, it has been the best time of my life so far.  I feel like God is just stripping me of so much of the ugly in my life – like He is just trying to empty me of all of the things I’ve been holding inside for so long and also emptying me of so many things that are not pleasing to Him.  And when I say, “stripping”, I DO mean “stripping” – to the point of making me feel completely raw and vulnerable and…open. 

Last Sunday, we had a guest speaker, Aaron Taylor at our church and he was talking about what it means to be a Christ follower.   So much of what he said were things that I have heard all my life, but this time I really listened.  It’s kind of like when you have read the same scripture verse a hundred times and it doesn’t really mean much to you and then all of a sudden, one day, you read that exact verse for the hundred and first time and it’s like a light bulb comes on and it speaks to your heart like it never has before.  That’s what this message was like for me.  I have heard over and over what it means to follow Christ.  I have heard over and over the stories of Jesus’ disciples and how they just left everything to follow Christ.   But I just never got it.  Until now.  I had never taken being a follower of Christ to a personal level.  Until now.  As this guest speaker continued to talk, he said something that really struck a chord with me.  I can’t quote him word for word but he said that we should be following Christ so closely that His desires become our desires, and His wants our wants.  When he said that, I literally thought in my head, “Yes!  That’s what I have been feeling!  That’s what is happening in my life right now!”  I feel like the past several months God has been trying to rid me of myself – rid me of my wants and my own selfish desires (and God knows I’ve had a LOT of them).  But it’s been such a long, slow process, that I haven’t really realized or understood exactly what is happening.  Until now.

God has been working on me so much, convicting me of sin in my life, and making me so aware of my selfishness, that I have been so wrapped up in dealing with my “issues” that I haven’t even noticed or realized until now how much closer it has brought me to Him and how much He is changing my heart.  His desires are becoming my desires, and His wants my wants.  And that is an incredible feeling that I can’t even describe.

So this is where I am.  Raw.  Vulnerable.  Open.  I feel like God is preparing me for something big this year.  I don’t know what it is but I’m ready and I’m excited!

I’ll keep you posted. ;)