Why I'm Going to Counseling

Self-care.  Something that was drilled into my head in most of my counseling related college courses.  And yet, I still haven’t fully “gotten it” yet.  I talk about the importance of self-care nearly every day in my field as a substance abuse counselor, but I’ll admit, sometimes I’m guilty of not practicing what I preach (aren’t we all, though?). 

I remember one of my college professors telling me that the average burn out rate for a counselor is 2 years.  2 years!  I’m already past that point, which blows my mind in so many ways.  Since I have been working in this field, I have tried very hard to be purposed about self-care, but life has a way of completely taking over sometimes, and before I know it, I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water.

I’ve tried doing all of the typical self-care things such as getting enough sleep, being mindful about what I eat and drink, being physically active (so hard for me in the winter), having daily time with Jesus, spending one-on-one time with my husband, spending quality time with family, and doing things that I enjoy.  But sometimes, even those things aren’t enough. 

I’ve been working on a new self-care plan for myself, which includes a couple of additional ways to try and keep my sanity intact and keep myself mentally healthy.  As I’ve started implementing these two things though, I’ve been amazed at the guilt I have felt.  Sometimes this guilt is brought on by comments from people around me, and sometimes it’s simply self-inflicted. 

Let me tell you something about myself: Sometimes I think I can do it all.  Sometimes I think I SHOULD be able to do it all.  But you know what?  I can’t.  So one thing I’ve started working on in the past 6 months or so, is being better about saying “No.”  But not just saying no.  Saying no and not feeling guilty about it.  I have this bad habit of saying yes to too many things and I end up stretching myself so thin that I begin neglecting the most important things (and people) in my life, and I find myself well on my way to a nervous break-down.

For me, this means saying no to certain volunteer activities (including at church), saying no to friends or even extended family members, and saying no to cleaning my house right this second and allowing myself to rest instead.  None of those things that I’m saying no to are bad or unhealthy things.  Some of them are even things that I would enjoy.  But when saying yes to any of those things means that I’m neglecting my immediate family or neglecting taking care of myself…I’m going to be heading down a path that leads to unhealthiness for me.

When I started saying no to things more, I couldn’t believe the guilt I felt.  Worrying about what people would think.  Worried that people would say I’m not doing enough or helping enough.  But then, me and Jesus hashed things out.  Now, I don’t feel guilt over saying no.  I’m doing what is best for myself and my family.  And if others view that as being “selfish,” that’s their problem, not mine. 

The second thing I’ve started doing is going to a counselor on a regular basis.  And whoa.  Talk about taboo!  A counselor needs counseling??  I’ve tried to be open about the fact that I’m going to counseling and the following are some responses I’ve gotten:

-        “For yourself??”

-        “What’s wrong?”

-        “Did something happen?”

-        “Why?? Are you ok?”

Holy cow, friends.  Yes, for myself.  Nothing’s wrong.  Nothing “happened.”  Yes, I’m ok.  But I want to STAY ok.  You feel me?  I want to be a healthy individual spiritually, physically, emotionally, AND mentally.  If I’m not doing what I need to do to stay healthy, not only do I suffer, but my family and my clients suffer.  And right now, those are the things that have to be high on my priority list. 

Sometimes, we just need someone to talk to and process things with.  And sometimes, we need a professional to do that with.  Yes, I can talk to my husband, family, and close friends, but for me, sometimes, I need someone who is completely on the outside.  Someone who is unbiased and can just listen without having to offer advice or try to “fix it.”  Some things can’t be helped with advice or fixing.  Some things just need support and a listening ear. 

I would love for the stigma of mental health to be erased or at least minimized.  Is that too much to ask, friends?  Do me a favor and try to be open-minded.  Just because someone is seeing a counselor, it doesn’t mean they’re crazy.  It doesn’t mean they are mentally or emotionally unstable.  It doesn’t mean they are weak.  In fact, I think it means the opposite.  It takes strength and humility to be vulnerable and to show our weaknesses.  Please do what you can to avoid adding to the guilt, shame, and even embarrassment that has been tagged onto mental health care.  Instead of questioning why someone is going to counseling (or saying no to things), pray for them.  Say, “That’s awesome!  Good for you!”  Maybe that’s one small way we can all make a difference together. 

Life is hard, guys.  Marriage is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Relationships are hard.  Church is hard.  Having a job is hard.  Paying bills is hard.  Dealing with people is hard.  It’s ok to ask for help.  And it’s even more ok to not feel guilty about it.  

Beautifully Messy Life

I’m feeling all sorts of mixed emotions today. 

Yesterday afternoon a former client stopped in to tell me how much I helped her change her life.  She brought in her 6-month old son, told me she’s about to start a new job, and that she is enrolled in school and planning to begin classes in the Spring “to become a Substance Abuse Counselor like you” she said. 

Last night I received a text message saying that a friend of ours whom we have been praying for made a decision to follow Jesus. 

This morning I received a text from my boss saying that her husband passed away this morning after battling stage 4 lung cancer for over a year.

This morning someone shared with me that her oldest son relapsed on pain pills, her middle son got robbed last night, and her 14-year-old daughter has decided that she is a lesbian. 

My heart is heavy today. But at the same time, it’s filled with joy.  Joy at being able to help others rebuild their lives after addiction.  Joy at the thought of having another friend to spend eternity in heaven with.  Joy that my boss’s husband is face-to-face with Jesus today and is no longer in pain.  Joy that I am blessed to be able to listen to others as they share their heart with me.

I pray every morning on my way to work, but today, my prayers are mixed with an array of jumbled thoughts and feelings.  Feelings of sadness and mourning.  Feelings of happiness and excitement.  Feelings of desperation and vulnerability.  How is it possible to have so many different feelings at one time?  All of these thoughts and feelings have lead me to ponder on the messiness of life.  Because that’s what life is, isn’t it?  Messy.  Full of ups and downs, like riding on an unpredictable roller-coaster. 

This morning I stumbled across an excerpt from a book called The Grace of Catastrophe by Jan Winebrenner that touches on the messiness of life:

The Christian must still believe—theology must be lived out in the midst of whatever mess we might find ourselves: the international/global kind that makes the evening news, as well as the interpersonal ones that greet us when the kids climb out of bed in the morning, when the boss walks into the office with less-than-good news, when the car engine refuses to turn over, when the medical tests reveal something awful, when the parent/teacher meeting is negative. When life happens, we must still believe. We must hold on to the truth. And as we deliberately choose to hold on to the truth, which is holding on to God Himself, we discover His presence to be more loving and tender, more astoundingly personal than ever before, and catastrophes become for us a means of grace—a means of knowing and delighting in God.

Even though life is messy, it’s not always a bad thing – sometimes it’s sad messy – sometimes it’s angry messy – sometimes it’s happy messy – sometimes it’s stressful messy – sometimes it’s excited messy – sometimes it’s busy messy – and all of those things mixed together can make life beautifully messy when we hold on to the truth, when we know and delight in God, no matter what kind of mess we’re in the midst of.

People who are close to me know that I am not typically an emotional person and I rarely cry.  This is mostly due to the fact that I simply hate crying – especially in front of people.  Some people may view me as being cold-hearted and unfeeling, which isn’t true at all.  I feel very deeply most of the time, but my emotions and feelings are simply displayed differently than others.  But sometimes, when life feels heavy or overwhelming, I can’t hold it in.  So today, I’m letting myself cry, embracing the messiness of life, holding on to the truth, and delighting in God. 

Happy New Year!

Today is the last day of 2013 and after I had my devotions this morning I began to think about this past year.  I have experienced so many awesome things and God has blessed me over and over again.  As I was thinking about these things my heart felt like it could literally explode from being so full of joy, happiness, and thankfulness. 

This year God gave us a brand new furnace/air conditioner when our heat went out on one of the coldest weeks of the winter.

This year God provided the funds for me to be able to go on my first ever missions trip to Mexico with our church youth group. 

This year, by the grace of God, I completed my Associate’s degree in Business Management at Ohio Christian University.

This year God allowed Phil to be able to quit his second job so that we could have more time together as a family and more time devoted to serving our church.

This year one of my close friends whom I had been praying for, for many years, came to know Christ and was baptized.

This year I gave up shopping for myself (clothes, shoes, etc., which is a HUGE deal!), and God helped me realized that I have so much more than I could ever need.

This year God provided money for us to buy new winter coats for our two boys when the ones they had were too small and the zippers were broken.

This year God gave us a new bathroom when we had an on-going non-repairable leak in our bathtub for months (which unknowingly caused the wood under the tub to rot and caused water damage and black mold to build up directly around an electrical outlet that is in our boy’s room and could have caused a house fire).

This year God blessed me with new friendships.

This year God worked in my heart, convicted me, humbled me, changed me, and helped me to let go of things I had been holding on to.

This year I grew deeper in my faith and in my relationship with my Savior.

What an awesome year and what a Gracious and Mighty God!  I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me and my family in 2014 – Happy New Year!

Christian Excellence

If someone would have asked me a few weeks ago to define Christian excellence, I probably would have stared blankly at them for a few seconds and then given them a short answer like this: “I think that Christian excellence is striving to be more like Christ.”  While that may be part of the definition, I have learned that it is really so much deeper than that.  I have also realized that if I truly am striving for Christian excellence in my own life, I am failing miserably and have a lot of work to do.

            The majority of my life has been spent aimlessly wandering through life.  Growing up, my parents made me believe that my main purpose in life was to become a Christian, followed by becoming a wife and mother.  They never encouraged me to go to college after graduating from high school because I didn’t need a college education to be a wife and mother.  So in my mind, college was not necessary, nor was it even an option for me.  By the age of 18, I was already engaged to be married.  At the time, my fiancé was not in a place where he would be able to support us both financially, so I came to the conclusion that in order to be able to get married, I would have to get a job.  I applied for a job as an optician without any experience or knowledge of the optical world and I was hired on the spot.

            After getting married at the age of 20, my husband and I both continued to work full-time and we were very content with our lives.  We both wanted to have kids, but not right away.  After a couple of years, we decided we were ready to have a family so we bought our first home.  After our first son was born I was on maternity leave for 8 weeks and it became very clear to me that God had not called me to be a stay at home mom.  I returned to work and a couple of years later, we had our second son. 

            After life sort of calmed down and we settled into our family of four, I began to feel like I was in a rut.  I became bored with my surroundings and began feeling depressed.  I remember one evening I was standing at my kitchen sink, washing dishes after dinner and I remember contemplating my life.  I thought about my wonderful husband and boys, our cute little house, our wonderful church, our jobs, and all of the things that God had blessed me with.  Yet I still felt unfulfilled, like there was supposed to be something more.  I literally remember thinking, “This is it, God?  This is my life?”

            After praying about it for a while God made it very clear to me what He wanted me to do.  It was the first time in my life that I could literally hear God speak to me and all He said was, “I want you to go to school.”  Even though I thought it sounded crazy, I couldn’t ignore what God was leading me to do.  I spoke to my husband about it and he was completely on board.  After that, everything just began to fall into place and it was amazing to see God open all the doors to make things possible.

            I have been able to continue working at my job as an optician while attending classes at the same time, which has been a huge blessing.  I don’t hate my job, nor do I dread going to work every morning, but at the same time, I don’t love it, nor am I passionate about it.  During the past several months I have begun liking my job less and less.  As I have been nearing the end of my education to acquire my associate’s degree, I have started feeling more excited and anxious about beginning my classes in substance abuse counseling to get my bachelor’s degree and my counseling license.  In turn, this has caused me to feel even less satisfied with my current job and has caused me to become antsy.

            When I started my first class of my bachelor’s program, Christian Excellence, I must admit I wasn’t looking forward to the class.  I didn’t understand what Christian Excellence had to do with my major and I was just ready to dive into my counseling classes.  After two and a half years of being in school, I was feeling burned out.  Burned out with school, my job, all of my responsibilities and just life in general.  My attitude towards others, especially my co-workers, had turned rotten.  In my mind, I was just ready to get out of this “dead-end” job and move on with my life as a counselor.  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

            God got my attention during the very first night of my Christian Excellence class.  That night, everything hit me at once.  God made it very clear to me how wrong my attitude was about everything.  He showed me how selfish I was being and showed me that I was focusing on all of the wrong things.  I had allowed my pride to get in the way of how I was living my life.  I had become so focused on reaching the goal that God was calling me to reach, that it became MY goal, instead of His.  I was trying to do things without His help, relying on my own strength and patting myself on the back for how far I had already come in achieving my goal.  That first night of class, my professor told us that our three main goals in life should be to, 1) Bring God Glory, 2) Win the World for Christ, and 3) Represent God.  It was in that moment that I realized just how off-base I had become and that somewhere along the way, I had lost my main focus: Christ.

            In our first week of homework we were assigned some reading material that our homework questions were based on.  In the first chapter of one my textbooks, “The Christian’s Guide to Effective Personal Management”, the author, Oosting, states that, “Too much attention to self is probably the major reason that many people are not at peace with God”…”Having a right relationship with God requires us to put God first in a meaningful way and not just by the words that we say” (2003, p. 7).  I realized that I was no longer putting God first, especially in school and at my job.  It was then that I began asking God to soften and humble my heart in all situations in my life, and it was then that my attitude began to change.

            My job had become a frustrating one.  I was clashing with one of my co-workers, I was frustrated with my boss, I was tired of being yelled at by angry patients, and I resented the fact that my hard work was never appreciated or recognized.  Another textbook that we were reading is called, “How to Get Along With Almost Anyone.”  In this book, the author talks about the importance of wisdom in getting along with others.  Wright (1989) says, “You need understanding, insight, discernment, patience, and a host of other qualities to read and relate to others.  God’s wisdom, resident in His Word and available to you through His Spirit, will equip you to get along with people” (p. 70).  This reminder really stood out to me because I realized that I had not been asking God for wisdom in how to deal with my frustrations in my job and my relationships with co-workers.  I had become a negative person in my job and I found myself criticizing others and complaining about everything that was frustrating me.  This became a turning point for me.  That night I made the decision to change my attitude and actions at work and I started the next morning.  Just in the past few weeks, it has been incredible to see how God softening my heart and changing my attitude has completely changed my work environment and my relationships with others.

            This entire Christian Excellence class has been an exhausting time of self-evaluation and conviction in my life.  Every class has been an emotional experience for me as God continues to open my eyes and my heart to things that I need to change about myself, and things I need to do to realign where my focus should be in every aspect of my life.  For as long as I can remember I have had an intense burden for hurting, troubled people, and I have had a burning passion in my heart to love them with God’s love and to accept them no matter who they are or what kind of life they are living.  This burden and passion are part of what has led me to wanting to get into a counseling field so that I can make a difference in someone’s life just by loving them with God’s love and listening to them.  But after taking this class, God has caused me to question my motives and evaluate where my heart is.  How can I love complete strangers and hope to counsel them and make a difference in their life, when I am not even doing that with the people I see every single day?

            In his book, “Christian Excellence”, author Johnston states, “If we desire excellence – the kind of excellence that will bring the most glory to our heavenly Father – we must deepen in our understanding of, and commitment to, authentic agape love, a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, and available to all”…”It is not enough to have minds that radiate with His excellence.  That same excellence must permeate our actions.  We must be constantly involved in loving deeds” (1996, pp. 49 & 52).  I have become so focused on what I want to do in the future, that I have been neglecting what I need to be doing in the present.

            If you were to ask me today what the definition of Christian excellence is, I would tell you that I believe that Christian excellence is finding my identity in Christ, and nothing else, and being better today than I was yesterday.  I don’t want to look back on my life and wish that I had loved people more, prayed with them more, and been present with them more.  This Christian Excellence class has been exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.  It has confirmed to me that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now and that there is no need to rush getting my bachelor’s degree and counseling license because He is still teaching me and molding me into exactly who He wants me to be.  The goals that I am working towards will be achieved all in God’s time and I can rest in the peace of knowing that God has everything under control.  In the meantime, I am going to press into Christ and let Him use me however He sees fit right now.  I don’t just want God to use me in the future – I want Him to use me in the now.  And I want it all to be for His glory.  “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31.

I don't want to be comfortable

I used to be terrified that if I were to surrender every aspect of my life to God that He would ask me to do something crazy or scary – or both.  I used to be certain that if I were to give myself completely to Him that He would tell me that he wanted me to go live in a grass hut in Africa.  I’m serious – that was a literal thought and fear of mine.  I was totally cool with being comfortable.  I lived in a comfortable little Christian bubble and that was ok with me.  I attended church faithfully and I tried to be a good witness to those around me.  That’s good enough, right? 

At the time I thought it was.  For so long I had been fine with just being on the sidelines of life without actually getting into the “game” and getting dirty, you know what I mean?

When I finally made the decision to completely surrender my life to God a few years ago, my life definitely changed.  Here are a few things that have happened in my life since then:

-       I enrolled in college (which forced me to do public speaking and class presentations– yikes!)

-       I made new friends (yes, this was scary for me)

-       I started helping teach K-3^rd kids at church and played a 5 year old cheerleader in skits (I know – this was wayyy out of my comfort zone)

-       I started sharing my faith with classmates

-       I became a youth leader at my church

Some of these things might not sound so scary and crazy to you – but they were for me!  There are so many other little things that I can’t even think of, but through it all God has given me the strength to do all of them.  I have never felt so fulfilled and at peace with my life than I do now.  I am continually learning to just turn things over to God and live in the comfort of knowing that He is in complete control over every situation in my life.  I still have my freak out moments but God always gets my attention and calms me back down.

When I think back to how terrified I used to be of doing things that are out of my comfort zone, it’s almost funny to me.  I do things that used to completely freak me out and make me a nervous wreck on a weekly basis now.  And I have realized in the midst of all of it, that I don’t want to be comfortable anymore.  I want to be pushed.  I want to be challenged.  I want God to shake up my world a little bit. 

And if that means that He will eventually want me to live in a grass hut in Africa, then ok.  I’m not saying that wouldn’t still be wayyy out of my comfort zone – but for some reason, it doesn’t seem as scary now.

I don’t think God wants me to live in my little bubble and have a comfortable life.  I think He wants me to change, to be challenged, to grow, to stretch myself, and to be obedient in allowing Him to use me to my full potential.  So here I am, God.  I’m all yours – and that's the part I feel really comfortable with.

Keep Fighting

My heart is heavy.  My heart is hurting and breaking for so many people right now.  People that I love and care about.  Yesterday, I was faced with six different situations that are going on around me right now.  Bad situations.  Painful situations.  Boy, satan is having a freaking field day.  And these six situations are only the ones that I know about because I am close to them.  Just think of all of the other bad situations that are going on right now that I have no clue about!  This is so discouraging and disheartening to me!  I just want to fix them all!  I don’t want people to have to go through the pain of losing loved ones.  I don’t want marriages to fail.  I don’t want people to be accused wrongly and unfairly.  I don't want people to let anger and bitterness control their lives.  I don’t want people to be depressed.  I don’t want people to lose the will to live. ß But all of these things are happening right now and they are all very real.  And only God can fix them.

Honestly, I feel like screaming right now.  And crying.  And giving a few people a piece of my mind!  But I know that won’t solve anything and it won’t make me feel better.  I can’t fix any of these situations.  I have no control over any of them.  I can’t change people’s minds or their hearts.  But God can.

So instead, I am crying out to God on behalf of each of these situations that are on my mind and my heart.  Because I know that God is our only hope.  Our only hope of reconciliation, of forgiveness and of healing.  I am praying that hearts and minds will be opened by the Holy Spirit and that He will show Himself in each of these situations and that He will be glorified through them all.  I am praying that God will cover each of these hurting people with a comfort and peace that only He can provide.

If you are in the process of losing a loved one, take comfort in knowing that God knows your pain.  He knows what loss feels like.  He gave up His only Son to die for each and every one of us.  Know that He can give you peace even in the midst of the pain and that He knows exactly how you are feeling.

If your marriage is failing, don’t give up.  Fight for your marriage if at all possible.  God can heal even the deepest hurts in a marriage – even when it doesn’t make sense.  He can take something that is completely broken and make it whole again.

If you are being accused wrongly and unfairly – take heart – God is fighting for you.  He has your back in this.  He is in complete control.  He has you in His hands and He has a perfect plan – even in this.

If you are angry and bitter, give that anger and bitterness to God.  He knows exactly what to do with it.  If you are hanging on to past hurts, let them go.  If you don’t, you will stay just as miserable as you are now.  God doesn’t want you to be miserable!  He wants to carry the burden of your pain for you!

If you are depressed, know that there is hope.  God can and will bring you through this.  If you have lost the will to live, please don’t give up.  God sees you.  He loves you.  He cares about you, even when it feels like nobody else does.  Your life is worth fighting for – even when it doesn’t feel like it  - YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I believe in the power of prayer.  I know that God is still on His throne.  And I know that in the end, satan loses.  Keep fighting, friends.  This is not a losing battle – God has already won!

It's worth it

I’m sitting on my couch with my two little boys right now while they are watching a movie before bedtime.  Things are quiet and peaceful right now and I am feeling blessed and thankful for this time with them.

You’d never guess that a couple of hours ago I was in the middle of a knock-down drag-out argument with my defiant 7 year old.  This little man has been challenging me so much lately.  He is 7 going on 17.  He gets upset when he doesn’t get his way.  (I do, too, but I’ve learned that I can’t throw a fit about it - but he is still in that learning stage - obviously).  Sometimes we go round and round about things and this kid does not back down easily.  He is stubborn and defiant.  I have to explain to him why he isn’t allowed to behave this way and that sometimes we cannot always have what we want.   Then I explain to him that he will be punished for the way he has acted.  Which only makes him more upset and then his punishment gets larger.  It is exhausting.  Sometimes I wish I could just give in and give him what he wants because it would just be easier and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  But I know I can’t do that.  So I stand my ground with him.  And then I go lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I’m kidding.  I haven’t done that in a while.

Tonight’s argument was about dinner.  Landon wanted McDonald’s and I told him no.  He threw a fit, I punished him, and then gave him two choices.  He could stay in his room and have a bad attitude, not eat dinner and go to bed, or he could change his attitude, come out of his room, eat dinner, and enjoy the rest of his evening before bed.  I left him alone to think about it and after a few minutes, he made the right decision.  I made him dinner and he has been the most pleasant little guy since.

While he and Carter were eating their dinner, I sat in the kitchen and spent some time with God.  I knew I needed to at that moment because I needed to vent to Him before I started to take things out on my boys.  I felt like I was falling apart.  I’m tired.  I’m emotional.  I’m discouraged.  I feel drained.  I’ve had a really long, hard, stressful few days at work so far this week and I am just DONE.  I came home from being stressed at work to having this confrontation with Landon and I just wanted to give up.

While I was in my kitchen, I was reading my Bible through tears.  I was reading Jeremiah 31 and these verses just jumped out at me: “3b I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.  4a I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt…   16 This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord.”  It was like God was speaking right to my heart.  Sometimes I feel like all of my hard work is for nothing – as a Mom, at my job, with school – but God reminded me that my “work will be rewarded.”  I just need to hang in there.

Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had.  It pushes me and challenges me every day in ways that I have never been pushed and challenged before.  It is exhausting and hard work at times.  But it’s worth it.  You know how I know that?  Because when I tucked Landon into bed and prayed with him just now, I talked about the argument we had because I wanted to make sure that he knew that I love him and that when I say, “no” to things, I’m not trying to be mean.  And he said, “I know. Hey, Mom?  I’m sorry.  I love you.”  And then he gave me the biggest, tightest, hug ever.  And that’s how I know it’s worth it.