Keep Fighting

My heart is heavy.  My heart is hurting and breaking for so many people right now.  People that I love and care about.  Yesterday, I was faced with six different situations that are going on around me right now.  Bad situations.  Painful situations.  Boy, satan is having a freaking field day.  And these six situations are only the ones that I know about because I am close to them.  Just think of all of the other bad situations that are going on right now that I have no clue about!  This is so discouraging and disheartening to me!  I just want to fix them all!  I don’t want people to have to go through the pain of losing loved ones.  I don’t want marriages to fail.  I don’t want people to be accused wrongly and unfairly.  I don't want people to let anger and bitterness control their lives.  I don’t want people to be depressed.  I don’t want people to lose the will to live. ß But all of these things are happening right now and they are all very real.  And only God can fix them.

Honestly, I feel like screaming right now.  And crying.  And giving a few people a piece of my mind!  But I know that won’t solve anything and it won’t make me feel better.  I can’t fix any of these situations.  I have no control over any of them.  I can’t change people’s minds or their hearts.  But God can.

So instead, I am crying out to God on behalf of each of these situations that are on my mind and my heart.  Because I know that God is our only hope.  Our only hope of reconciliation, of forgiveness and of healing.  I am praying that hearts and minds will be opened by the Holy Spirit and that He will show Himself in each of these situations and that He will be glorified through them all.  I am praying that God will cover each of these hurting people with a comfort and peace that only He can provide.

If you are in the process of losing a loved one, take comfort in knowing that God knows your pain.  He knows what loss feels like.  He gave up His only Son to die for each and every one of us.  Know that He can give you peace even in the midst of the pain and that He knows exactly how you are feeling.

If your marriage is failing, don’t give up.  Fight for your marriage if at all possible.  God can heal even the deepest hurts in a marriage – even when it doesn’t make sense.  He can take something that is completely broken and make it whole again.

If you are being accused wrongly and unfairly – take heart – God is fighting for you.  He has your back in this.  He is in complete control.  He has you in His hands and He has a perfect plan – even in this.

If you are angry and bitter, give that anger and bitterness to God.  He knows exactly what to do with it.  If you are hanging on to past hurts, let them go.  If you don’t, you will stay just as miserable as you are now.  God doesn’t want you to be miserable!  He wants to carry the burden of your pain for you!

If you are depressed, know that there is hope.  God can and will bring you through this.  If you have lost the will to live, please don’t give up.  God sees you.  He loves you.  He cares about you, even when it feels like nobody else does.  Your life is worth fighting for – even when it doesn’t feel like it  - YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I believe in the power of prayer.  I know that God is still on His throne.  And I know that in the end, satan loses.  Keep fighting, friends.  This is not a losing battle – God has already won!

It's worth it

I’m sitting on my couch with my two little boys right now while they are watching a movie before bedtime.  Things are quiet and peaceful right now and I am feeling blessed and thankful for this time with them.

You’d never guess that a couple of hours ago I was in the middle of a knock-down drag-out argument with my defiant 7 year old.  This little man has been challenging me so much lately.  He is 7 going on 17.  He gets upset when he doesn’t get his way.  (I do, too, but I’ve learned that I can’t throw a fit about it - but he is still in that learning stage - obviously).  Sometimes we go round and round about things and this kid does not back down easily.  He is stubborn and defiant.  I have to explain to him why he isn’t allowed to behave this way and that sometimes we cannot always have what we want.   Then I explain to him that he will be punished for the way he has acted.  Which only makes him more upset and then his punishment gets larger.  It is exhausting.  Sometimes I wish I could just give in and give him what he wants because it would just be easier and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  But I know I can’t do that.  So I stand my ground with him.  And then I go lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I’m kidding.  I haven’t done that in a while.

Tonight’s argument was about dinner.  Landon wanted McDonald’s and I told him no.  He threw a fit, I punished him, and then gave him two choices.  He could stay in his room and have a bad attitude, not eat dinner and go to bed, or he could change his attitude, come out of his room, eat dinner, and enjoy the rest of his evening before bed.  I left him alone to think about it and after a few minutes, he made the right decision.  I made him dinner and he has been the most pleasant little guy since.

While he and Carter were eating their dinner, I sat in the kitchen and spent some time with God.  I knew I needed to at that moment because I needed to vent to Him before I started to take things out on my boys.  I felt like I was falling apart.  I’m tired.  I’m emotional.  I’m discouraged.  I feel drained.  I’ve had a really long, hard, stressful few days at work so far this week and I am just DONE.  I came home from being stressed at work to having this confrontation with Landon and I just wanted to give up.

While I was in my kitchen, I was reading my Bible through tears.  I was reading Jeremiah 31 and these verses just jumped out at me: “3b I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.  4a I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt…   16 This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord.”  It was like God was speaking right to my heart.  Sometimes I feel like all of my hard work is for nothing – as a Mom, at my job, with school – but God reminded me that my “work will be rewarded.”  I just need to hang in there.

Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had.  It pushes me and challenges me every day in ways that I have never been pushed and challenged before.  It is exhausting and hard work at times.  But it’s worth it.  You know how I know that?  Because when I tucked Landon into bed and prayed with him just now, I talked about the argument we had because I wanted to make sure that he knew that I love him and that when I say, “no” to things, I’m not trying to be mean.  And he said, “I know. Hey, Mom?  I’m sorry.  I love you.”  And then he gave me the biggest, tightest, hug ever.  And that’s how I know it’s worth it.

In a "funk"

I think I’ve been in a bad mood for over a week.  I don’t really know why – I mean, I could give you a list of things that have contributed to it, but I couldn’t really tell you where it’s stemming from exactly. 

I haven’t been sleeping well, nor have I been getting enough sleep.  I’ve been having more headaches than I normally do.  I’ve had a bad cold.  I’ve had PMS (am I allowed to say that?).  All of these things thrown together are just a recipe for disaster.  I’ve been irritable, grumpy, and just plain not enjoyable to be around.  I’ve been short with my husband and impatient with my boys.  I just haven’t been myself at all.

The same thing has been going on with Phil.  He hasn’t been sleeping well (part of that is my fault because I’ve been talking in my sleep and jumping out of bed and saying crazy things – which I NEVER do).  He’s been really down and depressed lately.  He’s been emotional and irritable.  He’s also been impatient with our boys.

Now add the two of us together and – boom!  We have been driving each other crazy, getting on each other’s nerves, being short with each other.  And each of us has been thinking that the other is the problem.  Isn’t that how it usually is?

Phil and I have talked about things a couple of times and have both admitted that we don’t know where this is coming from and what is causing it.  We both just feel “off” – but can’t explain why.  He even mentioned to me that some of the staff that he works with at LCC have been feeling the same way.

This morning as I was washing my dishes, I was spending some time in prayer (and being so thankful for silence while my boys are at school – thank you, Jesus).  I was asking God to help me change my attitude and to help me snap out of this “funk” that I’ve been in.  Then I prayed for my husband.  Then I began to pray for my pastor and each of the other pastors, elders and staff members at my church.  After praying for a while, God reminded me of what a wonderful marriage I have and also of what a wonderful church family and church leaders we have been blessed with. 

I began to think about so many things my husband and I have been able to overcome in our 10 years of marriage.  We have dealt with some pretty tough junk since we’ve been married.  We have hurt each other, we have done and said some really stupid things, but by the grace of God, we have been able to fight and work through those things together.  Our marriage now, is the best and strongest it has ever been – and I am so thankful.  I am so thankful that we made the decision before we got married that divorce would never be an option for us, no matter how hard things get.  We are in it for the long haul – we are a team, whether we always “feel” like working together or not.  I know that Phil always has my back and he knows that I always have his – no matter what.

Then I began thinking about my church, my pastor, and the rest of the LCC staff.  I was thinking about some of the things that our church has been able to overcome.  Our church went through a split not too long ago and even though Phil and I were not very involved in the church yet, I know that was a very tough time for our church.  There were a lot of hurt feelings and I am sure that some people weren’t sure if we would fully recover from that.  But I am amazed at the physical and spiritual growth our church has experienced!  The Holy Spirit has been moving like crazy within our church and we are literally busting at the seams!  What an awesome testimony of God’s grace and power!

After thinking about the growth in my marriage and in my church, God reminded me that satan HATES that.  He doesn’t want me to have a healthy marriage and he doesn’t want any of us to have a healthy church.  John 10:10 immediately popped into my head: “The thief (satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy…”  This little reminder just brought everything full circle for me.  This “funk” that I have been in made sense to me now.  I truly believe that there is no reason for the way I have been feeling and acting, other than the fact that it is from satan.  He wants me to fight and argue with my husband – he doesn't want us to get along – and he most certainly wants our marriage to fail.  And the same goes for our church – satan doesn’t like that the Holy Spirit has been working in our church and changing lives.  He wants our church to fail and fall apart.  He wants us to be in a “funk” – he wants us to feel oppressed, he wants us to be moody, irritable, and grumpy so that we start snapping at each other and stop getting along.  He wants to kill and destroy any unity and spiritual growth in our lives.

Thinking about this got me all fired up.  I started to get angry and frustrated and it reminded me how vital it is that we always be on our guard.  We have to be so faithful about resisting the devil in our lives – which made me think of another verse:  “Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  James 4:7  We can’t forget that satan is always out to get us and that we must resist him and rebuke him in the name of Jesus, continually.  I will be honest with you – I forget – a lot.  “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  1 Peter 5:8  He is constantly prowling around us and loves to attack us - especially when he sees the Holy Spirit working in our lives. 

We need to pray for each other.  We need to pray for our spouse.  We need to pray for our pastor.  We need to pray for the leaders in our church.  They need to know that we have their backs and that we are committed to being faithful prayer warriors on their behalf.  There is so much power in prayer – don’t underestimate it.

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”                                                                                  -Ephesians 6:18

"Our prayer must not be self-centered. It must arise not only because we feel our own need as a burden we must lay upon God, but also because we are so bound up in love for our fellow men that we feel their need as acutely as our own. To make intercession for men is the most powerful and practical way in which we can express our love for them."                                                                                                        -John Calvin

Simplify

sim·pli·fy  

tr.v. sim·pli·fied, sim·pli·fy·ing, sim·pli·fies

To make simple or simpler, as:

a. To reduce in complexity or extent.

b. To reduce to fundamental parts.

c. To make easier to understand.

Simplify.  Such a small word – but one that has a huge meaning for me right now.  God has been bringing this one word to my mind daily for the past several weeks. 

I have already written about how God has been working in my heart in regards to how much “stuff” I have and also that I have made the decision to not buy any clothes, shoes, etc. for myself throughout this entire year.  After being so deeply convicted about the amounts of “stuff” in my life, this prompted me to start getting rid of some of that stuff.  I just really felt like God wanted me to do this so I started thinking about where I should start.  I kept hearing Him say, “Simplify” - just that one word.  I had already recently gone through my clothes and shoes and gotten rid of tons of stuff I don’t wear anymore by giving things away, selling some to a consignment shop, and donating the rest to our local Volunteers of America thrift store.  Since I didn’t need to do that again, I decided to start de-cluttering my entire house.  I plan to do this one room at a time in the next several months.  I started with my kitchen last week, which resulted in me thinking that it would be easier to just light my house on fire and start all over.  Way to be positive though, right?! ;)  I am AMAZED at the amounts of stuff that we have accumulated in the almost 9 years that we have lived in this house – keep in mind that this is a thought that popped into my head after doing one room in my house – ONE – just imagine what the rest of my house is like.  (This is why we never invite people over – I wish I were joking)  Granted, most of the mess and clutter in my house is hidden behind closet doors, in the attic, the basement or the garage, but still – it’s ridiculously embarrassing. 

While I have been focused on this new project of mine, all I have been hearing is God saying, “Simplify, Nat.  I want you to simplify your life.  Simplify.”  So I thought, “Yeah, God, I hear you.  I’m doing it.  I’ve already started.”  And he kept saying, “Simplify, Nat.  Simplify your life.”  To which I thought, “Really, God?  Do you HAVE to keep telling me this?  I already started!  Can’t you see I’m working on it??”  Then he said again, “Simplify.  Simplify your life.”  At this point, I was seriously getting a little irritated and I thought, “Ok, God.  I get the message.  Do you REALLY think I’m THAT dense?”  And then guess what He said again.  Yep, you guessed it!  But this time, it was different.  He emphasized a word and He added a little more to it.  He said, “Simplify, Nat.  Simplify your LIFE – not just your home.”  Whoa.  That one made me literally stop what I was doing at that moment.  It all made sense to me now. 

Let me tell you a little about my life.  I have a very busy schedule.  SO busy.   Way too busy.  ALL.THE.TIME.  I barely have time to breathe.  I am a wife and mom, I work a full-time job, I am a full-time college student, I am involved in my church, and I have family and friends to spend time with.  Trying to make time for all of that, every single week, is a little rough.  There are weeks when I literally do not have one single evening at home with my family – and it is really starting to wear on me.  This past holiday season was the first time I had a break from it all since LAST holiday season.  And it was incredible – I had a few days where I had absolutely NOTHING that I had to do and I could just enjoy my family.  I was able to cook dinner for my family nearly every day.  I felt SO relaxed, happy and stress-free.  My husband says I was like a different person – well if that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is!  I thought, “Am I normally THAT miserable to live with?”  Excuse me while I go jump off a cliff somewhere.

I am stressed more often than not.  And stress causes a lot of negative effects on me.  It makes me grumpy, irritable, and emotional and it also weakens my immune system.  I get sick very easily anymore.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have already been sick this winter.  I woke up this past Monday morning with a stomach virus that had already gone through the rest of my family – but I still went to work.  While I was at work I had to run to the bathroom a couple of times in between answering the phone and getting caught up on office work.  At one point I was literally sitting on the floor in the back of the office eating saltine crackers.  While I was sitting there, I remembered what God had told me.  I ended up making myself leave work early to go home and rest.  I crashed on my couch for a few hours and then I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I got up and made dinner for my family and baked brownies (there is seriously something WRONG with me!!).  Then I felt like I was going to die, so back to the couch I went. 

Then, the other day, someone asked me to do something one evening this week and I told them “no.”  At least it’s a step in the right direction.

I do believe this is what God was trying to tell me.  I need to manage my time better.  I need to spend more time at home with my family.  I need to start saying “no” more.  I need to reprioritize.  I need to simplify my life.  In as many areas as possible.  I am still praying about exactly what all I need to cut back on in my life and I covet your prayers for me as well. 

Here’s to having a simpler wardrobe.  A simpler home.  A simpler life.

On the verge

I feel like I’m on the verge of something.  Something big.  I have never been so excited for a new year to begin, and it’s not because 2012 was a bad year – it had its ups and downs for me, but it wasn’t overall a bad year.  I feel like I have grown so much over the past several months.  God has been working on my heart more than He ever has before and while it has been a slow and painful process, it has been the best time of my life so far.  I feel like God is just stripping me of so much of the ugly in my life – like He is just trying to empty me of all of the things I’ve been holding inside for so long and also emptying me of so many things that are not pleasing to Him.  And when I say, “stripping”, I DO mean “stripping” – to the point of making me feel completely raw and vulnerable and…open. 

Last Sunday, we had a guest speaker, Aaron Taylor at our church and he was talking about what it means to be a Christ follower.   So much of what he said were things that I have heard all my life, but this time I really listened.  It’s kind of like when you have read the same scripture verse a hundred times and it doesn’t really mean much to you and then all of a sudden, one day, you read that exact verse for the hundred and first time and it’s like a light bulb comes on and it speaks to your heart like it never has before.  That’s what this message was like for me.  I have heard over and over what it means to follow Christ.  I have heard over and over the stories of Jesus’ disciples and how they just left everything to follow Christ.   But I just never got it.  Until now.  I had never taken being a follower of Christ to a personal level.  Until now.  As this guest speaker continued to talk, he said something that really struck a chord with me.  I can’t quote him word for word but he said that we should be following Christ so closely that His desires become our desires, and His wants our wants.  When he said that, I literally thought in my head, “Yes!  That’s what I have been feeling!  That’s what is happening in my life right now!”  I feel like the past several months God has been trying to rid me of myself – rid me of my wants and my own selfish desires (and God knows I’ve had a LOT of them).  But it’s been such a long, slow process, that I haven’t really realized or understood exactly what is happening.  Until now.

God has been working on me so much, convicting me of sin in my life, and making me so aware of my selfishness, that I have been so wrapped up in dealing with my “issues” that I haven’t even noticed or realized until now how much closer it has brought me to Him and how much He is changing my heart.  His desires are becoming my desires, and His wants my wants.  And that is an incredible feeling that I can’t even describe.

So this is where I am.  Raw.  Vulnerable.  Open.  I feel like God is preparing me for something big this year.  I don’t know what it is but I’m ready and I’m excited!

I’ll keep you posted. ;)

It's just stuff.

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I have posted on my blog.  I promise it hasn’t been intentional – I literally have not had the time.  I have been so busy with work, school, church, Christmas programs and such that I haven’t even had a spare second to write.  But I have been thinking about it a lot!  In fact, I have been doing a lot of thinking, in general. 

Lately, I have been thinking about all of the “stuff” in my life.  And I mean STUFF – as in “things” – material possessions.   As we came up on Thanksgiving last month, I was pondering all of the things that I am thankful for.  I have MUCH to be thankful for.  I am blessed beyond measure – almost to the point of feeling guilty about it.  I know that God doesn’t bless us to make us feel guilty, but as I was thinking about all of the things I am thankful for, it just hit me that I really have SO much MORE than I actually NEED or that I actually have room for or even know what to do with!  I was going through my mental list of things that I am thankful for and I thought of all of the obvious things: God, salvation, my husband, my kids, my church, my house, my car, my job, family and friends.  Then my list just kept going and I started looking around my house at all of the material possessions that I have been blessed with:  furniture that has been given to us, pictures, decorations for our home, dishes, appliances, clothes and shoes, and more clothes and more shoes.  And I started thinking, “Wow!  I really have TOO much.”  Too many “things” – a lot of things that are not important, that I have wasted money on.  Things that are just taking up space and making my house look and feel cluttered.  Then I started thinking about people that have nothing or next to nothing and I was so overcome by guilt.  This whole thought process was just the beginning of a working and conviction in my heart.

As we moved past Thanksgiving and started preparing for Christmas, this feeling of guilt didn’t leave me.  I even started feeling disgusted with myself because of how important “things” had become to me.  I love shopping.  I love clothes.  I love shoes.  I love purses.  I have loved all of these things since I was a young teenager.  I started babysitting when I was 12 and I remember saving enough money to buy myself a new pair of tennis shoes.  Growing up, I had always worn hand me downs, or the cheapest plain white tennis shoes that you could find in stores.  I couldn’t wait until I had my own money to buy myself a really “cool” pair of tennis shoes and finally, it happened!  I went to the mall with my best friend and her mom and we were both on the hunt for new tennis shoes.  We ended up getting the exact same pair.  (We used to dress alike all the time because we were awesome like that.)  They were beautiful, these shoes.  They were my very first pair of Nike running shoes.  They were white with navy blue and they had an awesome dark purple Nike swoosh on the side!  I loved those shoes.  I finally felt like I fit in – like I was finally part of the cool kids club.  And that was it.  I was hooked.  So began my love of shopping. 

I got my first “real” job working at a café, waiting tables and cooking, when I was 15.  When I started making my own money, I could use that money for whatever I wanted.  I always took out 10% to give to God and the rest…well…let’s just say I shopped a lot.  I was thrilled to not have to wear hand me downs anymore.  I could buy my own clothes now and actually wear clothes that were in style!  You have no idea how liberating this was for me!  I was homeschooled, so I never went school shopping and I rarely got outfits that were brand new, except for at Christmas time.  Now…it was at my fingertips!  I had the freedom to buy my own clothes!  And boy did I…I went shopping almost weekly.  I had so many clothes that it would be weeks before I would wear the same shirt again – and I LOVED it.  I did this throughout my teenage years and even after I got married.  It was really out of control.  Even though I didn’t spend a lot of money on each item, it really added up.  I was (and still am) a bargain shopper.  I rarely pay full price for anything.  I shop clearance racks, thrift stores and consignment shops – but I have still spent unbelievable amounts of money on clothes, shoes and accessories over the years. 

After Phil and I bought a house, our finances got substantially tighter.  I was forced to scale back on shopping (which is a good thing), but I still loved it and wanted to shop whenever I got the chance.  Then we had kids and boy they take a lot of money, don’t they?  Holy cow!  Diapers, formula, baby food, wipes, clothes…my shopping trips for myself became less and less!  But even though I wasn’t able to shop like I had in the past, I still WANTED to.  I always wanted more clothes, more shoes, more purses, more THINGS.  And anytime I had the chance or got some “extra” money, that’s what I did – I shopped.  I have also been the kind of person that is an “emotional shopper.”  Whenever I was sad, depressed, stressed, or mad - I shopped.  And it ALWAYS made me feel better.  But it was ALWAYS a temporary feeling.  Over the past couple of years, I have really cut back on shopping, simply because I can’t afford it.  But the wanting to shop, the wanting of more things, has still been there, and even now, I still have trouble saying no to things when I am shopping.

Now, back to the recent workings in my heart.  After thinking about the abundance of things that I have and being overcome with guilt and shame at the thought of my selfishness and my want for temporal, material things, I started praying about it.  Every day it has been on my mind and every day I have prayed about it.  I have been so convicted about the way I have been living and I started asking God what I need to do about it.  The first thing He told me He wants me to do is to be more giving and generous to others.  This is something that I have always wanted to do, but I have always held back because of money.  Or, lack of money, I guess I should say.  There are times when it feels like we are barely getting by each month - times when it feels extremely tight, financially.  But as God has been convicting me of this, I have realized two very important things: 1) Sometimes (most times), you have to give in faith and trust that God will still provide all of your needs.  2) You can give and be generous without even spending a penny.  It’s not always about money.

Even after God told me this, I still felt like there was something else He wanted me to do.  So I kept praying and listening.  I had no idea what else He wanted me to do and I can’t even describe how I was feeling, but I knew that there was more.  And I was right.  He finally told me what else He wanted me to do - and I didn’t want to hear it.  I was like, “Really, God?  Are you sure about this?  Cause you know this is gonna be SUPER hard for me.”  (Yeah, He already knew that, btw.)  So after arguing with God in my head for a while, I knew I was going to lose the argument.  I finally said, “Ok, God.  If this is what you want me to do, I’ll do it, but I can’t do it without You.”  I bet you’re dying to know what it is, aren’t you? 

He told me He wants me to not shop for myself for a year.  A WHOLE year.  No clothes, no purses, no jewelry, no SHOES!!!  Unless there is something that I absolutely, truly and honestly NEED – I can’t buy it.  So starting officially on January 1^st, 2013, I am giving up shopping so that I can be more giving and generous to others.  I know it probably sounds crazy – silly even – but I have to obey Him and I KNOW that this is something that God wants me to do and not only that, it is something that I NEED to do.  It is going to be crazy hard and difficult for me, but at the same time, I have a feeling it is going to be so worth it. 

With God’s help, 2013 is going to be a year of giving more, a year of being more generous, and a year of no shopping for me.  I’m anxious about the parts that will be hard for me, but I’m excited about being obedient and seeing how the Lord is going to use this to change me and to mold me into exactly who He wants me to be.

Relationships

I have a feeling that this blog post is going to be rather lengthy, so please forgive me.  I have much to say…

I have been trying to write this blog post for days and have been unsuccessful.  I have come to realize that the reason I have been having so much trouble writing it is because satan has been attacking me like crazy because he doesn’t want me to write it.  Well satan, I have a word for you.  I’m writing this blog post because God laid it on my heart to be more open and real with others – and you are not going to stop me.  satan, I am right now, right this second, for everyone to see, rebuking you in the name of Jesus Christ and I am going to write this whether you like it or not.  You do not own me.  You do not have any part of me.  I will not believe the lies that you have been whispering in my ear.  I am HIS and I will be obedient to HIM.  So take that!

Now that that’s out of the way…

Leading up to this post, I have been struggling with the issue of relationships/friendships.  I was actually sharing this with a close friend one week ago over coffee.  I told her some things that I was struggling with and I was very honest with her about the fact that I struggle with letting people be my friend.  I tell myself that I am strong enough to handle my problems on my own and that I don’t want to burden others with my struggles.  As I was saying these words to my friend, she cut me off and said, “But Natalie, you’ll never survive!”  And you know what?  She is absolutely right.  I will never survive on my own.

I’m going to share with you a few lies that satan has led me to believe for the past several years:

Lie #1:  PEOPLE WILL NOT LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

I’m different.  Not weird, different.  (Ok, maybe a little)  I’m just not a typical woman.  Or what I consider to be a typical woman.  I’m not crafty, I suck at baking (nothing ever turns out quite right), I am a terrible homemaker, and I have not once in my life ever been on Pinterest.  I know.  Insert gasp here.  I am not a stay at home mom and at this time in my life, I have no desire to be a stay at home mom.  I have found that I NEED to work – I NEED to get out of my house.  I love the time that I do have with my boys, but I have found that I cannot be the best mom that I can be by staying home with them every day.  My husband can testify to this!  And I am so thankful to have a husband that does not think less of me for the decision I have made to keep working even after we had kids.  He respects the fact that I need to have a job outside of being a wife and mom – and he is totally ok with it.

So since I’ve told you what I’m NOT like, you are probably wondering what I AM like. 

I love movies (all kinds) and I quote them all the time (yes, even the stupid guy movies).  I love music and am constantly listening to it.  I love shopping – clothes and shoes in particular.  I love cooking - especially without a recipe.  I enjoy just throwing things together and seeing what happens (baking is way too precise for me).  I love traveling and I dream about it all the time.  I love being adventurous and trying new things – if I’ve never done it, I want to try it at least once – and it’s probably on my bucket list.  I like shooting guns – don’t ask me why, I just do.  I love just hanging out, talking and playing cards with my family.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I love going out to dinner – give me a steak or a slab of ribs (the messier, the better) and I’m good.  If I was totally and completely being myself all the time, I would most likely almost always be wearing jeans with holes in them with rocker t-shirts, and Chuck Taylor’s. While I do like some girly things, I do not consider myself to be a girly person at all.  I LOVE having boys and I do not have a problem being the only girl in my house!  That’s pretty much me in a nutshell! 

Lie #2:  PEOPLE WILL ONLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.

I know this sounds crazy but if you had a husband like mine, you would understand.  Phil is good natured, hilarious and extremely fun to be around.  I mean, seriously, who DOESN’T like him?  I am not as outgoing as my husband so anytime we are around others, I am usually just sitting there being quiet while he is talking non-stop and making everyone laugh.  Please do not misunderstand this as something that I’m bitter about – I LOVE my husband and I LOVE his personality.  I am usually perfectly fine with not talking.  I am no Chatty Cathy, and it usually takes me a little while to warm up to people I don’t know very well.  And Phil…well…not so much. :) This particular lie from satan is just one that feeds into my insecurities about myself and has nothing to do with Phil.

Lie #3:  YOU ARE A BURDEN TO OTHERS.

This particular lie is part of what keeps me from opening up to people.  I do not want to burden others with my own problems or struggles because they have their own.  I just don’t feel right adding more to their plate.  Over the past several years, I have needed to be strong for others.  I have been someone that people can lean on –their “rock” so to speak.  And while I have been so busy being there for everyone else – I haven’t let anyone be there for ME.  I have slowly been wearing down, feeling weaker, and sort of falling apart inside.  I might look fine on the outside, but on the inside, a lot of the time, I’m hurting or feeling like screaming.  And I know it’s because I’ve been holding so much inside for SO long, because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.  And not only that, I want people to think that I “have it all together”, even though I SO don’t.  I want to “appear” strong.  So when someone asks me how I am I say, “I’m good” or “I’m fine” – instead of what I’m really thinking or feeling. 

For example, I will share with you what a typical Sunday is like for me.  Sunday mornings are usually chaos.  Even if I try to get clothes for church laid out the night before or do other things to prepare – it doesn’t matter.  satan doesn’t want me to make it to church, so he will do anything to try to make me stay home.  For some reason, it’s like this huge surprise to my boys that we are going to church every Sunday.  It’s also a huge surprise to them that they have to get up and get dressed.  (I hope you are sensing my sarcasm here)  After listening to the whining and crying about NOT wanting to get dressed or having to stay for two services at church – I have just about had all I can take for one day.  So after I finally make it to church and a friend says, “Hi, how are you?”  I smile and say, “I’m fine” instead of saying, “Well, this morning has been insane, my boys fought in the car the entire way here, I threatened to pull over and spank them both, and I also had thoughts of putting them up for sale on Ebay when I get home, but yeah, I’m good!”  (Ok, the Ebay part is a joke, I promise.)  Am I the only one that has days like that??  Anyway, this is just to let you know that I am very good at putting on a front and acting like I’m fine even when I’m not.

Lie #4:  YOU DON’T NEED CLOSE FRIENDS – THEY WILL ONLY HURT YOU.

I’m very guarded in my relationships, and I think that is partly because I’ve been hurt by close friends in the past.  Whether it was something that was said to me (or behind my back), or something that was done to me, those things have made a lasting impact on my life – and not in a good way.  So many of the hurts that I have held onto are not even important now – but they were important to me back then.  Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have been able to forgive and let go of a lot of those hurts – but there are some that I am still working on.

I mentioned earlier that I have been struggling with the issue of relationships in my life just in the past few weeks and that I’ve been struggling for days to write this post.  Last night, we had a special worship service at our church.  At the beginning of the service our pastor said that he had asked all of the pastors in our church to be listening to the Holy Spirit throughout the service for a special word from Him and to share at the end of the service.  At the end of the service, each pastor got up and shared what they had heard from the Holy Spirit.  Some words were for our church in general, and some were for specific people.  It was very moving to hear how the Holy Spirit was moving just in the short amount of time that we were there.  Our lead pastor shared last.  He shared a couple of words that he had and then he said, “And this next word is for Natalie.”  He looked at me and I almost started crying before he even said anything.  The word that the Holy Spirit had given to him for me was this:  “There were things in your life that were inflicted on you that satan meant to be burrs that bring constant hurt for your entire life but as you turn them over to God, he is turning them into flowers which will bring Him glory and you joy.”  Wow.  I was overcome with emotion and I’m still crying as I’m typing this.  I am still amazed at the way God works.  I shouldn’t be by now, but I still am.  He knew exactly what I had been struggling with the past few weeks and He knew exactly what I needed to hear.  It’s exactly like my pastor said – these past hurts that have been inflicted on me are like burrs – it’s like I keep trying to pick them off one by one and they keep sticking to me.  But I am slowly but surely learning to turn each one over to God – so that He can turn them into something beautiful. 

I fully recognize that all of the lies I have listed are from satan and no one else.  And for a long time I have believed them.  But I’m done believing them.  They are not true – not one of them.  satan has had me exactly where he wants me – alone.  And alone is a very dangerous place to be.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I don’t want to be guarded in my relationships anymore.  I want to face my “friendship fears” and put it all out there.  I want to be real.  I want to be open.  I want to be honest.  I want to have deep, meaningful relationships with others that will bring glory to God and joy to me.  I am a work in progress – but I’m ready to let go and let God.